Get Beeznered...

Greatest commercial ever?

2008-03-18T22:29:00.002-04:00

It's recently been brought to my attention that my lack of blogging on this page has left some people feeling unloved. So, since the NCAA tournament is kicking my ass right now, I can give just a little bit at a time. At least that little bit is in the form of the greatest commercial ever.

Don't forget to go check out Wildcat Blitz

So, what do you do when you can't play or sit on the bench?

2008-03-17T11:47:00.002-04:00

That's the current situation for Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui who is facing surgery on anal fissures. Now, if you can move past the fact that his surgery involves the word "anal", then you can get to the true gold of the story. An anal fissure is a "crack or tear in the anus skin.". So, try not to puke when you think about the burning, bloody dooks that Matsui has been taking every day or the way he probably sheds a tear with every step he takes.

The problem most likely dates back to Matsui's rookie year when he was hazed by being forced into spending the night at Mike Piazza's place. The last thing that your anus wants is a night alone with that guy.

Happy St Patty's Day

2008-03-17T10:39:00.001-04:00

Now, watch out for the Leprechaun.

Mastering the English language

2008-02-26T11:00:00.003-05:00

Dictionary.com defines a whore as "a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet". I think this video from last night's The Moment of Truth explains it a little better.

It's a new day...

2008-02-25T07:34:00.003-05:00

First, let me say this: Get Beeznered is going nowhere. It just might run a little slow for a day or two.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'd like to welcome you to a new era of Kentucky Sports coverage with the launching of WildcatBlitz.com. The site is the brainchild of myself and Evan Hilbert, an IU grad student and UK fan, and is designed to be the a one-stop site for all Kentucky fans.

It's a bit primitave right now, but we plan on adding message boards and a marketplace section where you can buy/sell tickets, textbooks, etc. as well as providing more coverage and commentary than anywhere else on the internet - or in print. Anyway, check it out, leave us some comments and feedback and let us know what you do and dont like so we can continue to try to make it better.

I appreciate all of the support I've gotten on this blog and would love for you all to help me take Kentucky sports coverage to a new level by supporting this new site.

Get Beeznered.

I bet you thought it was yesterday...

2008-02-22T07:37:00.002-05:00

...but that is only because I lied to you. Don't worry, I want to make it right to you. So, lets like I just posted this today. I think it's better if we just move on like nothing ever happened. Here you go...again:

Rajon Rondo, the player most responsible for the beginning of the end of the Tubby era, celebrates the big two-two today.

I can only hope his friends have hyped up the party they are throwing for him. I hope they've told him how awesome it's going to be and when he gets there, there is no music playing he panics that no one will show up and it will be a giant disaster. Then, right before everyone gives up and leaves, they can wheel in the cake and everyone will stroll in from another room, begging the question "why didn't they do that earlier in the night?".

Thats the kind of party the king of turning it on and off deserves.

Still keeping it real

2008-02-21T07:30:00.003-05:00

"Absentminded, late bloomers, social, tend to question authority".

These are the traits of a little brother. Is it any wonder that the glorified junior college on 64 keeps finding itself in trouble then?

The latest incident finds starting defensive back Rod Council doing his best to avoid having to play on next year's cellar-dwelling squad by robbing a convenience store with an uzi. Quite impressive until you realize the the master criminal managed to be on the lam for all of 5 hours. So, if that impressive display of hiding didn't gain him any historical significance, he will surely be remembered for answering one of the great questions in the criminal history of this school's athletic department:

"What happens when Willie Williams gets the munchies?"

Sup Holmes?

2008-02-21T07:03:00.002-05:00

Not much man, just trying to figure out how I choked away the match to Tiger yesterday. Oh well, I told him that I'd be at The Sizzler if he wanted to catch some grub. I thought we were going to be friends after this.

Yeah, but what's his on base percentage?

2008-02-21T06:39:00.004-05:00

Make no mistake, I am very much against this Jason Kidd trade. I love the Mavericks nearly as much as UK and this trade has me very concerned. I won't spare you all the details, but you can see my thoughts here.

The thing thats bothering me about it now, exactly one whole day into Jason Kidd: Part Deux, is the shell of the former player we aquired. You see, his first stroll through Dallas he was chastised for not being able to stick a jumper. He got this nickname:

Ason Kidd.

Well, not that he's scoring 11.3 ppg and shooting 36% from the field, both career lows, it's safe to say he has not offensive game left. I give you:

Asn Kidd

Well, if you watched him try to guard Chris Paul last night and saw Paul work him to the effect of 31 points and 11 assists, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that he can't play defense anymore. Sadly, you have:

Asn Ki

So, Mavericks fans, you've just traded away your starting center, starting point guard, two bench players, a white guy with sweet socks and two first round draft picks for a 35 year old Japanese center fielder.

Unbereaveable.

Scrubs, Laughs and Videotape: The Saga of Dusty Mills

2008-02-20T13:45:00.005-05:00

Here lies the career of Dusty Mills. Mills was an undersized, almost neverused, walk-on, and even too undersized and too overmatched for that position. Mills lived life to the fullest by averaging 1.3 minutes in 4 appearances and for registering 2 career assists.

Mills' career came to an end after a few chuckles from the end of the bench during the Georiga game led to a curse-filled tirade from head coach Billy Gillispie. Gillispie was not pleased to see the television cameras showing Mills and Morakinyo Williams laughing while Ramel Bradley was still face-planted on the floor. Mills' career died shortly after Gillispie told him he was "sick of him".

Mills will best be remembered for countering Dwight Perry's celebration dance with constant laughs from the end of the bench and his pre-season media guide picture analysis from Beezner which read:

"Dusty Mills - I'm not really sure what to say. Just click on his picture. They guy should be thanking Jesus that he is playing for Kentucky because if he wasn't, then his name would be Dusty Nuts. That kid's chances of getting laid otherwise are about as good as my chances of winning a Pulitzer. He is VERY happy to be here, though."

Mills is survived by his BFF (bench friend forever) Williams, his sexual prime and his love of the Kentucky basketball team.

UK 61, Georgia 55

2008-02-20T07:39:00.004-05:00

The great Lou Brown once said:

“We won yesterday. If we win today, that's two-in-a-row. If we win tomorrow, that's called a winning streak; it has happened before."

Arkansas, you better get ready.

Dickey Nutt steps down...

2008-02-20T07:37:00.001-05:00

Arkansas State coach Dickey Nutt resigned as head coach yesterday after 13 years of leading the Indians (soon to be Red Wolves, Ridge Riders or Express Train).

Somewhere Beavis and Butthead are laughing.

Sup Holmes?

2008-02-20T07:33:00.003-05:00

Oh, not much. Just getting ready to take on Tiger today at the Accenture Matchplay Championships. You can check it out on the Golf Channel between 2 and 6 pm.

P.S. I still don't like being called Johnny Wadd.

Happy Birthday

2008-02-20T07:31:00.002-05:00

Rihanna turs 20 today which, in most cultures, is prime age for getting beeznered. I suggest you look into it Rihanna.

McDonald's All-American Teams Announced

2008-02-19T20:05:00.002-05:00

The McDonald's All-American rosters were announced today and, unless Scotty Hopson signs with the Cats, it will feature no Wildcat signees for the 6th time in the last 10 contests, which doesn't sound so great on the surface.

But, if you take a closer look at the game's alumni that have suited up for Kentucky, it might not be all that bad. Here are the All-Americans signed by the Cats in the past 10 years.

Patrick Patterson (2007) - This seems to be quite the home run so far. If he sticks around for awhile, then it should continue to be a pretty solid pickup.

Joe Crawford (2004) - I'll give Joe a free pass. Has he been having an excellent senior year, but after all the up-and-down movement since he stepped on campus, he might not have been worth the trouble leading into this season. I'd like to think you should expect more from an All-American, but this year gets him a temporary pass.

Randolph Morris (2004) - Morris, the jewel of the 2004 class that sent UK into a downward spiral, was a pretty successful college player before bailing early. Except for the first early entry. And if you don't count his constant fading away. And if you can forgive his knack for fouling. Other than that, he did a pretty good job - especially when you consider he did it all while being cross-eyed.

Rajon Rondo (2004) - This guy laid a big, fat turd. I'm sure everyone will want to jump all over me for this one and cite his NBA success, but the truth is that this douche was made for the League and his college career proved it. If there was a stat for most career dribbles, then Rondo would probably own it. The only problem is that even though he could get to the rack for an easy lay-up whenever he wanted, he rarely did.

Rashaad Carruth (2001) - Carruth didn't really do anything outside of a big game against Duke as a freshman, which was enough to gain him tons of fan support - something that got you pretty much nowhere in the Tubby Smith Era (which is how it should be). After transferring from UK and Oklahoma and quitting Souther Miss, Carruth left only one lasting impression on me. At my freshman orientation in the summer of 2001, I was lucky enough to bump into Mr. Carruth at the Classroom Building, which was the one thing I wanted to do while I was in Lexington. How did I know it was him? Outside of his unmistakeable physical appearance, Carruth was actually wearing his own McDonald's All-American jersey on campus. If that doesn't make up for his lackluster career in your eyes, then I guess he's still a bust.

Marvin Stone (1999) - When your biggest moment as a college player is beating Kentucky while wearing a Louisville jersey, then you earn infinity negative points. When you factor in that he looked and moved like the missing link, then you've got the most disappointing player in the history of basketball. At any level.

Keith Bogans (1999) - The Ole Bullethead had a pretty good career. His junior year was a little rocky after declaring for the draft and returning to school but, overall, he's the type of four-year player that defined Kentucky basketball in the late 90s and early 2000s. I still say Kentucky makes the Final Four if he's healthy enough to at least stand in Dwyane Wade's way a couple of times in 2003.

UK vs. Georgia

2008-02-19T07:32:00.005-05:00

In honor of the big, or medium sized, game against Georgia tonight, it's only fair that we pay tribute to those who have been there long before us. So, let us not forget the importance of Jim Harrick.

In these days of unlimited nights and weekends calling for the Hoosiers coaches, it's important to remember the coach who was really there for his players when they needed him. Sure, it's easy to make a couple of phone calls just to keep communication open. Trust me, it worked wonders in college. But, it takes a special coach to produce this exam. And that coach is Jim Harrick.

A little Tuesday morning boob action

2008-02-19T07:25:00.005-05:00

If you are offended by partial nudity, then this is not for you. However, if you've been wanting to see Lindsay Lohan's boobs for as long as I have, then check out this photo shoot where she recreates Marilyn Monroe's last shoot. More importantly, she's topless and her jugs are almost as awesome as I dreamed they would be.

Ohio is for Lovers

2008-02-19T07:21:00.002-05:00

Proving that people in Ohio are as scummy/awesome as ever, three couples were married at a Columbus White Castle on Valentine's Day. The wedding included the flower girl throwing salt and pepper packets and a cake that looked like a tray with burgers on it.

In related news, Harold and Kumar are still trying to get out of Guantanamo Bay.

Greatest day ever?

2008-02-15T05:50:00.002-05:00

This is probably the only thing I am going to post today and not because I don't have a lot of time or don't have anything to write about. This is just way too important. I want to make sure everyone sees this.

Today is International 'That's what she said' Day. I swear I am not making this up. If there was ever a holiday to celebrate the absolute bejesus out of, this is it. So make sure you annoy the holy hell out of your coworkers all day. No matter how annoyed they get or how many threats you they throw your way, don't give up. Just keep giving it your all until you can't give any more.

That's what she said.

A real hopeless romantic

2008-02-14T13:03:00.002-05:00

This guy looks like he could be an "Earl", but he isn't. His name, though, is still Jason Lee and he is just a guy looking for love in Cincinnati, Ohio. He is now locked up on drug charges at the Hamilton County jail, but the true crime is that authorities are about to file charges against him for trying to woo and romance a couple of classy ladies. Kinda.

Lee has admitted to using the jail's internet site to find women who are locked up. Lee then posts their bail in exchange for drugs and sex. But, it's not like he's some sort of predator. He only targets women who have a history of drugs and prostitution - and only if they are "cute".

It's just so hard to fall in love these days...

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T07:27:00.012-05:00

In honor of this special day, some of sports biggest stars have come out to give you special Valentine's wishes.

Jeff Garcia says:

"Will you be my Valentine? Oh, I'm sorry. I was actually speaking to the tall, well-built gentelman behind you? You know, the one with the tan and the cute butt?"

Brother Love says:

"To-niiiight is a vuhery spe-ecial ni-ight. Not onnnnly be-cuh-uz Buh-rother Luh-ove is here, but the be-cuh-uz the World Wress-uh-lin' Fed-uh-ration promised Buh-rother Luh-ove a vehry special gift. No-ow you nuh-eed to do what I say. Startin' with those puh-annies. Giruhl, theyey need to go-o."

Osi Umenyiora says:

"Hold still, girl. If you keep rolling around, it's going to be impossible for me to get my dookie to land on your chest."

Bernard Cote says:

"Hé là-bas l'enfant mignon. Mon nom est Bernard. J'ai vu la façon que vous avez tournée de moi dans les Communications 101 classent. Mais c'est bien le mec. Tout nous avons sommes ce moment. Et il pourrait être allé demain juste comme ma carrière de cerceaux.

Maintenant m'embrasser, le grand homme. "

Shawn Kemp says:

"Listen, I'm gonna make this [expletive] real simple for you. You're gonna take off those mother [expletive] panties and you're going to lay on the mother [expletive] bed. When I'm done doing this mother [expletive] blow, I'm going to [expletive] the [expletive] out of you without a mother [expletive] condom. I'm Shawn Kemp, bitch."

Bobby Petrino says:

"Hey, look, I know we were supposed to go out tonight. But, I actually just got asked out by a girl at work. She doesn't have the biggest boobs in the world, but they are a little bigger than yours. Sorry."

Marv Albert says:

"Hey sweetie, open this gift I got for you.

You like it? Isn't that the sexiest thong you've ever seen?

Am I looking forward to wearing it? In one word - YES!"

Maria Sharapova says:

"I want to get beeznered. So bad. I mean seriously. I want it."

Please boycott Will Ferrell

2008-02-14T07:22:00.001-05:00

I’m over him. I just don’t find him remotely entertaining anymore. I used to think the guy was pure genius, but he’s long worn out his welcome. You can only play the same character in a different costume so many times and Ferrell has done it about 10 times too many. It might have something to do with annoying little frat boys running around and dropping stupid lines like “Cannnnon-baaaaall!”, but I think Ferrell should have just stuck with SNL until they fired him.

I’m urging you to please boycott Ferrell from here on out. If you’re having trouble grasping how overrated he is, then please take a list at the steady decline of his movie career.

Night at the Roxbury - Pretty stupid. He didn’t exactly start out with a bang.
Zoolander - Ferrell managed to steal the movie despite playing 5th or 6th fiddle. Very solid.
Old School - Quite possibly the greatest comedy of our generation. Frank the Tank was a great character and Ferrell played it well - but his part was any better or more important than Vince Vaughn‘s or Luke Wilson‘s.
Elf - Ferrell’s first major starring role since Night at the Roxbury. He didn’t really deliver much of an improvement from that. Probably could have used Chris Kattan to make the movie better. And he sucks.
Anchorman - One of the most overrated movies of all-time. Again, Ferrell benefited from a great ensemble cast but, on the whole, the movie was pretty weak - especially if you have at least half a brain.
Kicking and Screaming - Sucked. More Ditka.
The Producers - Bombed. Too gay for me to go see.
Curious George - I didn’t see this because I’m too old, but I’m not going to knock it. Curious George deserves more respect than that.
Talladega Nights - Pretty great movie, but not because of Ferrell at all. John C. Reilly made the movie and Sasha Baron Cohen was light year’s funnier and more important to the overall movie being good than Ferrell. He had a couple of memorable moments but most of them were because of Reilly setting them up or making the punch line memorable (the prayer scene for example).
Stranger than Fiction - If you saw this, you are probably a huge turd. Or a woman. However, for these purposes, Ferrell gets a pass.
Blades of Glory - This movie was absolutely terrible. I honestly don’t think I laughed once. Or even cracked a smile. Putting the Napoleon Dynamite guy and Ferrell together and hoping that they make a movie fly is the obviously the work of a chimp or Corky. Seriously, did anyone find this movie entertaining?

I’m not counting the Austin Powers movies or Starsky and Hutch because Ferrell had about as much to do with those as I did with the Cowboys winning 3 Super Bowls in the 90’s (I did a lot of praying and cheering). Also, I will give him credit for his years on Saturday Night Live. Hell, I’ll even give him props for the picture above this post. Pretty good. It’s just his movies suck big time.

So, I’m begging you. Do not go see Semi-Pro. Let’s stick together and do our part to make sure this guy goes away forever and takes his little douche patrol of North Face jacket - clad impersonators with him.

The hottest thing I've ever seen

2008-02-14T07:00:00.002-05:00

I don't know what it is, but I can't stop watching this video about Marisa Miller's boxing workouts. It's just great. And if that's not good enough for you, check out her pictures from this year's Swimsuit issue.

This guy is homophobic?

2008-02-13T14:12:00.002-05:00

In a twist of sick irony, Browns quarterback Brady Quinn (pictured above as a member of the Village people), is accused of standing outside of a Mexican restaurant and yelling slurs at men outside of an adjacent gay bar. He also reportedly tried to start a fight.

Assuming that Quinn wasn't just trying to use reverse psychology to lure homosexuals into roughing him around a bit for his own man-ertainment, this is pretty baffling to me. I'd be less shocked if I found out that Jim Brown was heckling young black men with the "N" word like the blind white supremacist from Chappelle's Show.

Really. You mean the guy that did this and this hates gay people? I'm so lost.

Is it too early to look to football season?

2008-02-13T14:04:00.004-05:00

Desperate times call for desperate measures. One of the greatest inventions in the history of scheduling had to be the team-by-team schedule laid out in helmets that I saw for the first time last year. Here is this year's SEC schedule. In helmets.

More bad news for UK

2008-02-13T09:00:00.005-05:00

Outback Steakhouse, whose founder is UK alum Chris Sullivan, was hit with the Worst Food in America tag by Men's Health for its Aussie Cheese Fries. This would be devastating to the fragile UK ego right now if the fries weren't so awesome and Men's Health wasn't such a gay magazine.

An ass-kicking of epic proportions

2008-02-12T23:16:00.004-05:00

What a freaking joke. Take away Ashley Judd, who keeps getting better with age, and there is absolutely nothing to take away from this game. Not even a single moral victory. From the opening tip until the 50th time they showed Laettner hitting his game-winner in 1992, it was a merciless kick to my Big Blue Manhood. I’ll let my rambling post do my talking, but let me explain.

I started to do a minute-by-minute running blog of this game like I did for the BCS Championship Game. Here is what happened:

9:04 They play that stupid arena song. Seriously, this song sucks and I don’t understand how it became the leading candidate to make Jock Jams 2K8.

9:06 Mark Coury does the first semi graceful thing I’ve ever seen. He pulls some sort of gay ballet move on his close-out. He puts his heels together and flails his hands together in mid-air. He then continues running past the rebound down the court. Not good.

9:09 Two fouls on Coury. 2:27 elapsed off of the clock. A quick exit - even for him.

9:11 This team looks seriously flustered. Someone needs to calm them down. Let’s see if they have a leader.

9:13 Ross Neltner already has 7 points. He’s obviously not happy with what I wrote about him today, but I still mean every word of it. It will take a lot more to convince me that he’s not a white stiff.

9:16 Fresh out of a timeout, we give up a 3 in a matter of seconds. I hope Billy Clyde didn’t draw it up that way.

9:17 AJ Stewart with the bucket? Really? OK, whatever.

9:17 Neltner. Son of a bitch.

9:19 Patterson is called for a travel. I’m glad they called that because I wasn’t sure he was even in the game or not. Now that we got that straight, maybe he can do something to get onto the stat sheet.

9:26 Patterson gets his second foul in two possessions. That will get you on the stat sheet, but that isn’t exactly what I meant.

9:29 Kentucky has 6 points. White post players have 16 for Vanderbilt. I’m starting to feel a little guilty.

9:33 At some point, they have to start defending the backdoor cut right? I mean, Vanderbilt can’t be wide open under the basket every time, can they?

9:35 Coury takes about 5 dribbles from half-court to the free throw line and throws a tipped bounce pass to Ramon Harris who is cutting back door with the appearance of not even expecting to get the ball. Somewhere, Pete Carril is looking for a gun.

9:38 In what appeared to be the first actual offensive play run by Kentucky the whole game, Ramon Harris is left wide-open under the basket. He promptly gets tossed and Vandy keeps the ball in bounds and takes it up the floor.

9:39 Three fouls on Patterson to go with 0 points and 0 rebounds. I guess Coury is rubbing off on him and not the other way around.

9:40 I just witnessed one of the most disappointing sequences I’ve ever seen in a basketball game. It started with Brad Nessler telling his “Dollar” Beal story, complete with a Southern, Ebonic accent. Then Ramel Bradley throws a one-armed alley-oop while running through the lane which bounces off of the backboard and leads to a fast break that ends with two Vandy players wide-open under the basket. Easy lay-up.

9:43 Ross Mother F*&king Neltner! Wide open under the basket! AGAIN!

9:44 Joe Crawford hit’s a free throw and the scoring drought ends at just under a decade. Jared Carter enters the game as the secret white stiff weapon. I hope he can go for 20 in the remaining 4 minutes of the first half.

9:46 Now, I now I throw around the phrase “I’ve never seen that before” a little too much, but I really have never seen that. We just got called for a 5 second call after the free throw when there was no press even on. There just wasn’t anyone who wanted the ball. Unbelievable.

9:47 Crawford takes a spill. Wouldn’t that be sweet if he got hurt too? Wouldn’t surprise me.

9:51 Piece ass Jimmy Dykes is already talking how he got a haircut today. That’s how bad it’s gotten. I don’t even care that he was gay enough to drop nearly $40 on it. It’s just the point that the game is that irrelevant.

9:51 A Kentucky field goal? Really? I forgot what they were. Look at the time I posted about A.J. Stewart scoring. That’s a gap of 34 minutes. I’d call it terrible but I think that would be a compliment.

9:59 Finally, its over. 41-11.

I’m done blogging. I can’t do it. First of all, I think I’m jinxing them. Second of all, I think I’m already getting close to running out of synonyms for pathetic. A couple of first half notes for you:

- Patrick Patterson has one more point than me and just as many rebounds.
- Kentucky has never, in their infinity years of history, had such a low scoring half.
- The team had 3 field goals. That’s how many piece ass Lones Seiber had against LSU.
- Vandy’s white post players have outscored Kentucky’s entire team 20-11.

Second half summary:

This is like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s a perfect storm. Vanderbilt is hitting everything. Every ball is bouncing their way. Kentucky is missing layups. They can’t dribble the ball. They can’t shoot. They can’t even pass the ball to a guy that is wide open. The most disheartening thing about this loss, though, is that Kentucky has completely abandoned everything that they’ve been doing successfully.

Ramel Bradley and Joe Crawford are driving more recklessly than Lindsay Lohan and neither one has shown any interest in getting the team to settle down and play their game. The already weak offense is completely non-existent and offensive sets have been replaced with standing around while someone drives aimlessly at the basket.

If you are going to get your ass-kicked beyond being able to come back in the second half, at least try to work on things that are going to make you better. Run your sets. Get up in someone’s face on D. What Kentucky put on the floor in the second half was a complete display of a “Lets just get the F out of here as soon as possible” attitude. That’s not a team I can't easily support - no matter what they have written across their chest.

I’m completely disgusted with this game and it has very little to do with the score. I’m not trying to say that the ass-kicking is something that can be tolerated, but it’s absolutely sickening to watch a team just completely give up. Instead of coming out in the second half and showing that they were still going to get in Vandy’s face and play the hard-nosed defense that sent them on their run lately, they just came out and went through the motions - and half-assed too. If I was Gillispie, I would have put in the walk-ons with about 15 minutes to go in the half. It’s not like a comeback was going to happen and Vandy called off the dogs and pulled their starters with 9:47 left in the game.

At this point, Kentucky fans, it looks like we’ve got a talent-deficient and oft-injured team. And if that isn’t bad enough, it’s one that gives up when faced with adversity. Let’s hope that something miraculous happens on that team bus tonight.

Bill Gates gives up Facebook

2008-02-12T22:56:00.003-05:00

In a stunning move, Bill Gates has stated that he is no longer using Facebook, after investing $240 million in it and developing a 30 minutes per day habit. It is supposedly in protest of the site not permanently deleting users information off of the internet when they delete their profiles and the large amount of ads now present.

Don't worry. You can still add Jesus Christ or Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny as your friend.

Vanderbilt Basketball: White Power

2008-02-12T06:48:00.001-05:00

Today we salute you Vanderbilt white guy. While everyone else got on board with recruiting long, athletic players long ago, the Commodores preferred that their stars come to play as white and stiff as possible. These are the guys who aren’t exactly the most talented, but you’ll never hear the end of how they “come to play” or “make the most of their talent” or “are the kinds of guys you want in a trench with you”.

In honor of current big white stiff Alex Ogilvy, it’s only fitting that we take a look back at some of the guys who paved the slow-footed way for him and what they are up to now.

Dan Langhi - After finishing second in Kentucky’s Mr. Basketball race, Langhi went to Vanderbilt and brought pain to the SEC. Pain in the form of the tube sock. It wasn’t quite the tube sock statement made by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but it was equally as gay.

Langhi blew up his senior year with 22 points and 6 rebounds per game and was a second round pick of the Dallas Mavericks - a franchise who knew a stiff when they saw one. After being swapped for Eduardo Najera, Langhi played for the Rockets, Suns, Warriors and Bucks before retiring with an unbelievably round 3.0 ppg career average.

So where is Langhi now? I have no earthly idea. Can’t find a thing. Please send me an update if you have one.

Matt Freije - If there was ever a non-UK player that I wanted to succeed, it was Freije. Once you got past hearing every game about how in-state Kansas had overlooked him in high school, it was easy to appreciate his balls-to-the-wall mentality as he did everything for the Commodores on the court. Plus he looks like Milky from Me, Myself, and Irene.

Vanderbilt’s all-time leading scorer was drafted by the Heat but suited up for the Hornets and the Hawks. His NBA career came to a painfully tragic end when the Atlanta Hawks released him in favor of someone even slower and whiter - Slava Medvedenko.

I’m not sure what Freije is up to, but I know that he is living in Kansas, looking like Mick Jagger and ignoring my Myspace friend requests. See if he will add you here.

Dawid Przybyszewski - Standing seven feet, two inches tall and looking to fire the three, Daqid Przybyszewski was born for Vanderbilt. He became a fan favorite early in his career when he could clean up Freije’s misses and find open space to fire the three. He didn’t really develop beyond that.

Although he finished his career 4th all-time on Vandy’s blocked shot list, the NBA scouts didn’t come knocking. Luckily for him, Europe did. After a short stint with the Bulls summer league team, “The Chef” went to Poland were he either did or did not dominate. I don’t know because I don’t speak Polish and I’m not paying for Euro League stat access. It does look like he’s on the National team though, but I could be wrong. See “I don’t speak Polish” above.

Scott Hundley - The Mr. Kentucky basketball from Scott County moved south to Nashville and didn‘t seem to do a whole lot of stuff great, but a little bit of everything kind of ok. He isn’t as big as the other guys on the list, but he’s certainly as white and stiff.

Hundley left the Commodores with career averages of not very many points and not a whole lot of rebounds. He is now an assistant coach for Montgomery County High School in Mount Sterling, Kentucky and offers private basketball lessons through this website.

Honorable Mention:

Ross Neltner - Another former Kentucky Mr. Basketball who still has eligibility for the Commodores. Look for him to be included on this list next year.

Rick Jones - Jones was thrown out of Vanderbilt and Murray State for smoking dope and isn’t really stiff enough - or probably white enough for that matter - to be included on this list. I just wanted to note that a guy with a major weed problem played professionally for the Houston Blaze. Great fit.

Worse than "One Night in Paris"?

2008-02-12T06:42:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton’s new film, The Hottie and The Nottie, debuted this weekend and, shockingly, proved that America’s youth might not be going to a hell in a skanked-out, glitter and lip gloss hand basket, after all. The blockbuster film, which rivals Birth of A Nation in terms of social importance, mustered a whopping $23,000 in it’s opening weekend. For those of you who aren’t math majors, that breaks down to $207 per theatre, which means about 26 people saw this movie per theatre for the entire weekend.

Paris most likely mourned by giving someone herpes.

Grab a piece of wrestling history

2008-02-12T06:30:00.000-05:00

The Genius, a.k.a. Lanny Poffo, didn't do a whole lot while he was a part of the World Wrestling Federation, but he did have one defining moment. During his homoerotic pairing with Mr. Perfect in 1989, the Genius defeated Hulk Hogan at Saturday Night's Main Event and Perfect destroyed the WWF Championship with a hammer.

Now, for only $10,000 you can own the demolished belt. I'm not sure if purchasing this would be considered a genius move on your part, but it's still pretty cool.

And the award for "Awards Show most out of touch with reality" goes to...

2008-02-11T07:24:00.000-05:00

...the Grammys, who managed to render themselves more irrelevant than before by handing out their Album of the Year award to Herbie Hancock. Besides signing his name bigger than everyone else on the Declaration of Independence, Hancock also gave you this ground-moving 80s music video. Keep in mind that this guy beat out Kanye West, Foo Fighters and Amy Winehouse.

Beezer does D.C.

2008-02-08T07:40:00.000-05:00

I will be fulfilling my patriotic duties today and over the weekend in our nation's capitol so the content might be a little slow today. I mean "slow" in a literal fashion, not the Life Goes On kind of "slow"...you get that here every day.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend. Go ahead and get the party started right now.

Dirk records first triple-double...

2008-02-07T07:07:00.001-05:00

...and then has sex with your mom, sister and girlfriend. Deal with it.

Signing Day 2008: Reviewing the class of 2004

2008-02-07T07:01:00.000-05:00

With all of the hype surrounding signing day and all of the attention given to the top players, it should be expected that these 5-star players are going to dominate at the next level, right? Well…umm…maybe. Here is a glimpse at the top 10 players from the class of 2004 according to Rivals and how their college careers faired.

1. Adrian Peterson RB Oklahoma
Ok, we know how this played out. Complete and utter stud. In every sense of the word. Finished second in the Heisman race as a freshman and then left early and led the NFL in rushing as a rookie. Rivals hit a home run on this one.

2. Ted Ginn, Jr, DB Ohio State
Another great college player, but not quite the dynamic pro that Peterson is, although for these purposes it’s irrelevant. Ginn was an impact player at Ohio State, although it was as a receiver and kick returner instead of a defensive back. Another solid ranking.

3. Early Doucet WR LSU
Doucet was a very good college player. Not quite the superstar many expected and he was only a part-time starter until his senior year, but he left campus with a national title and as a first day NFL pick. Not a bad resume.

4. Rhett Bomar QB Oklahoma
Bomar had all the talent to be a great quarterback for the Sooners and started to really develop toward the end of his sophomore season. Then, the idiot got busted for taking money from a booster and transferred to Sam Houston State where he threw for 10 TD and 6 INT last season. Not very impressive.

5. Keith Rivers LB USC
A guy that didn’t get a lot of attention nationwide, but was an All-American this year for the Trojans.

6. Willie Williams LB Miami
Arrested and in trouble. A lot. At two schools known for their discipline problems. It takes a special man to get kicked out of Miami and Louisville and Willie Williams did it. I’ll give him 5 stars for that.

7. Brandon Miller DE Georgia
Moved to middle linebacker at Georgia and finished his career with 73 total tackles and 6 sacks. Probably not what they expected to get out of him.

8. Derrick Harvey DE Florida
Redshirted as a freshman and then dominated for three years, finishing 9th on the schools all-time sacks list. Declared for the NFL Draft this year and is rated as the #3 DE in the draft.

9. Jeff Schweiger, Jr. DE USC
Didn’t do much of anything at USC, registering 29 tackles in his first two years. Transferred to San Jose State.

10. Xavier Lee QB Florida State
Redshirted as a freshman and then struggled to unseat the inconsistent Drew Weatherford for three years. Finished his college career with 15 TD and 11 INT and a couple of suspensions. Entered the NFL Draft this year after FSU coaches asked him to move to tight end.

And just for kicks, Kentucky’s highest rated player in their 2004 class was 4-star recruit Micah Jones who did just about nothing notable in his time at UK, unless you consider being hurt or suspended as “notable”. Their lowest ranked prospect was a WR from New Orleans named Richard Lyons. What ever happened to that kid?

I still love Vh1

2008-02-07T06:56:00.001-05:00

It’s my new obsession. I’m addicted, which might be ironic if every English teacher that I ever had hadn’t confused me about the definition. VH1’s Celebrity Rehab is pure greatness.

Now, I’ve spoken a million times about my love for every original program that the channel airs. I’ve been addicted over the years to The Surreal Life, World Series of Pop Culture, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, the show with Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Rock of Love, Celebrity Fit Club, that show that I can never remember the name starring that douche Mystery and, of course, The Best Week Ever. This show, though, blows them all out of the water.

The premise is pretty simple - a group of marginally famous people enter a rehab clinic to free them from their various addictions and demons through the help of Dr. Drew Pinsky. That‘s about where the script ends. As far as reality shows go, this has to be the most brutally real I’ve ever seen and it’s just plain awesome.

Its not be lighthearted and fun like most of the station’s shows, but the powerful, genuine emotions of the stars struggling through rehab and rehashing their troubled past makes it impossible to turn away. It can get quite disturbing at times, but I think that is what makes it so great. Anyway, just check it out. You won't regret it.

Here’s an update on the other awesomeness taking place on VH1 right now:

Rock of Love: So far, I’ve really had trouble getting into it. I was hooked last year from day one and the show was full of entertainment every week. Except for the first 5 minutes when they come back from commercial break, which is always the exact same footage they showed right before the break. Kind of annoying.

Anyway, this year’s show is not nearly as intriguing. The unknown factor is gone this season as every episode follows almost the exact same formula as last season and the things that are original reek of Flavor of Love (bringing back the girl from last season to bully them around?). Basically the chicks aren’t as hot and they aren’t as crazy. My favorite so far has to be token Playboy skank Kristy Jo or Beauty and the Geek winner Megan. They both reek of celebrity penis chasers. They are also incredibly boring and basically the only hot ones in the house. Pick it up Rock of Love. Season two sucks.

Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant: Change the name to “Scott Baio is still a douche and is rehashing the same storylines with ‘pregnant’ substituted for ‘single’” and the title might be accurate. I’m over it. By the way, have you heard how many hot chicks he has hooked up with? If not, just watch the show for .2 seconds and Scott will tell you.

Flavor of Love: The show is just getting underway and it looks like there should be some TV gold. Of course, along the way, the English language will suffer and roughly 25,8934 STDs will be exchanged, but it’s all in the name of good TV. And he’s still rocking the Viking hat. Gotta respect that.

Cats scratch their way to a win over Auburn

2008-02-07T06:47:00.000-05:00

It was one of the worst games I've ever watched, but the shorthanded Cats still squeaked past Auburn last night. If you're still a little nauseous over the foul and turnover fest that took place inside Beard-Eaves Memorial Coliseum, then just watch this video from when Auburn was actually good. Maybe you can convince yourself that a road win against the Tigers is a monumental win for the Cats.

At least it's better than the Pro Bowl

2008-02-06T12:45:00.000-05:00

Let's just say you take the NBA All-Star game. Now, remove the celebrities. Take away the posses. Drop the talent level considerably. What do you have left? The D-League All Stars, son!

The NBDL All-Star game, which is a part of All-Star weekend in New Orleans and should be a little more entertaining than the dunk contest, but probably won't have anything on Shaq and Reggie Bush's party. If this doesn't send a straight shot of blood directly to your sports boner, then check out the rosters.

At least I know I'll never have another sleepless night wondering what happened to Corey Violette or Andre Barrett. They are well taken care of.

Signing Day is here!

2008-02-06T00:30:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since Kentucky's signing day has been greeted with as much anticipation as it is this year. It has less to do with the tremendous talent that the Cats are expected to bring in than it does with a renewed spark from its fan base. With that being said, the Cats, who are at 80/1 to win the BCS Championship next year, still bring in a fairly decent class in terms of size and speed, but many fringe fans might not be impressed with the rankings or the "wow" factor after winning the Music City Bowl two years in a row.

The biggest question mark for the Cats this year is whether or not they will get a commitment from Aaron Boyd, brother of the most overrated Wildcat of all-time, and a big (6-4, 195) wide receiver from Lexington. The Cats made a late charge and are into Boyd's final two, but a cross-country trip to Oregon this week might spell trouble for the Cats. Boyd will announce his final choice today at his high school.

Here are the early commitments, in order of their Rivals.com ranking:

Winston Guy DB 6-0 186 KY
The Cats moved in late and got Guy, the #30 defensive back in the country, to switch his commitment from Arkansas. Guy is a speedster who might see some action as a kick returner at early in his Kentucky career. Guy had a monster senior year, but might not see much action as a freshman behind David Jones, Trevard Lindley and EJ Adams. He's not a bad guy to have as a nickel or dime back, though. Should develop nicely.

Osaze Idumwonyi OL 6-1 261 TX
Idumwonyi is listed as the #12 center in the country and chose the Cats over surprise national title contenders Kansas and Missouri. He seems to be a little undersized at the moment, but with the Cats seemingly moving toward a more athletic line, he should be a big-time player in the future. He probably won't make a huge difference this year, but he should see some action. A great pickup for Rich Brooks and his staff.

E.J. Fields ATH 6-2 180 KY
Fields is another speedster out of Kentucky who the staff will most likely try to develop as a wide receiver. He runs a 4.4 40-yard dash and is listed as Rivals.com's # 63 athlete in the country. At 6-2, he's drawn comparisons to Keenan Burton for his style of play, but if he is going to play wideout, he might see a redshirt this year. The skills aren't there yet to contribute at that position. Chose UK over NC State, Louisville, Wisconsin among others.

Randall Cobb ATH 5-11 176 TN
Cobb, who threw for 47 TDs and 6 INTs while leading his team to state titles his junior and senior year, has gained a bit of a cult following with Cats fans after his well-documented shunning of Phil Fulmer and the Vols. He's a little small to play quarterback in the SEC, but Kentucky coaches have promised him the chance to play the position. I think he most likely takes his speed to the needy receiver position. The Tennessee Mr. Football chose the Cats over UT, Vandy, West Virginia and MTSU.

Cartier Rice DB 5-10 179 SC
Rice, the # 67 defensive back in the country, adds more depth to a Kentucky defense that has gotten better with each game over the past two seasons. He has 4.5 speed and should develop well over the next year or two while he sits behind the Cats fairly solid group of DBs. Rice chose the Cats over Louisville, Wisconsin and Michigan State among others.

Matt Roark ATH 6-6 190 GA
Ahh, the tall receiver. It seems like since Randy Moss stepped foot onto a football field, the tall receiver has been coveted by nearly offense. Roark seems to fit that bill, except for one thing. He wants to play quarterback. It's up in the air right now, but Roark has been given the coaches word that he will be given the shot. The Cats swiped Roark away from Georgia Tech, Oregon and Illinois, among others.

Donte Rumph DE 6-3 260 SC
Rumph, like his fellow South Carolina All-Stater Rice, should add depth to an already strong position. Rumph put up 14 sacks and 107 tackles as a senior and has the body to play end or tackle in the Cats defense. The three-star prospect is quite a land for the Cats, especially when you consider that his uncle is a coach at Clemson, one of the schools that had offered. He also considered South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia Tech.

Dave Ulinski OL 6-6 280 KY
Ulinski is another big (and I mean big) piece to the puzzle of UK's future. The lineman from Louisville is another example of how this staff has been able to bring in lineman capable of performing at an SEC level. Ulinski, whose father and grandfather both played for the Cats is rated as the #67 offensive tackle in the country and should add even more depth to an already deep, although fairly inexperienced offensive line. He picked the Cats over Louisville, Notre Dame, Penn State and Tennessee.

Deaunte Mason ATH 6-4 215 TN
The Tennessee Mr. Football (they have one for each division) threw for over 2,000 yards and ran for another 1,000 as a senior. At 6-4, 215, he has the size to play quarterback, but I'd expect the Cats to try to convince him to move to receiver, as well - especially if their two promises to the above athletes hold up. Mason chose the Cats over Louisville, North Carolina, Tennessee and Georgia Tech.

Sean Stackhouse TE 6-4 240 FL
Stackhouse is a little light to play tight end in the SEC, but a year or two of a college strength program should help him fill out nicely. Kentucky has a tradition of developing outstanding tight ends and Stackhouse and his 4.8 speed should continue the trend. Out of all of the players in this class, Stackhouse is the most intriguing and the one who has the most potential to develop into something special. He chose UK over Miami, NC State and Cincinnati.

Taylor Wyndham LB 6-4 205 SC
Wyndam, despite looking like Adam Morrison, should be a nice fit for the Cats. He needs to put on a little weight, but with the Cats heavy on upperclassmen at linebacker, he should have the time. He runs a 4.6 40 and if he can put on some pounds without losing the burst, he should be a contributor as a junior and senior. The 1st Team All State LB chose the Cats over South Carolina, Clemson and a couple of poopy schools.

Danny Trevathan LB 6-2 215 FL
Trevathan is in much of the same boat as Wyndham. Its certainly been proven that a linebacker who weighs 215 can thrive in Kentucky's scheme, but not one that runs a 4.6. A few more pounds in the next 2 years or so and Trevathan can fill in nicely at middle linebacker. He chose the Cats over Miami, Ole Miss, Arkansas and some dookie.

Collins Ukwu DE 6-4 207 TN
Ukwu was a late addition to the Cats group after decommitting from Middle Tennesse State. He should be considered a project, but if he puts on weight, he can become a solid contributor later in his career. He's not heavy enough to hold his own on the line, but he has the athleticism that Kentucky looks for at end. He chose Kentucky over some schools; some small, some not so small.

Chandler Burden OL 6-4 280 OH
Burden, as in "what a burden this blog post has become", is a little bit of a strange character. Rivals has him not ranked at his position, but Scout.com has him listed as the #28 guard. Like Ulinski, he has the potential to be a big-time player on the line in the near future. Almost certainly, not this year though. Unlike Ulinski, his father and grandfather did not play for UK. He chose the Cats over Michigan, West Virginia, Michigan State and some other places of higher learning.

Matthew Smith OL 6-4 270 KY
Smith is a two-star lineman from St. Xavier in Louisville and projects as a guard at the next level. Keeping with the theme, he probably won't see much time, but eventually should probably play. And play on the offensive line. He chose the Cats over Louisville and 4 teams who will probably be in the NIT this year.

Trevino Woods OL 6-5 275 GA
Woods shares his first name with a golfer from the 80's and his last name with a golfer of the 2000s. When you combine his name, it sounds like a golf course. Tiger Woods wears a red shirt on the last day of the tournament. Trevino Woods wears a redshirt in 2008 for the Cats. He chose them over Auburn, Clemson, Georgia Tech, Georgia and West Virginia. None of those schools have golf connotations.

William Johnson ATH 6-3 190 TN
Johnson is listed as a two-star athlete, which is good for Kentucky. If he was listed as a two-star chess player, this would not be good for the football team. He will probably redshirt and play receiver. He chose the Cats over schools known for great basketball recruiting (Memphis, North Carolina, Michigan State and Kansas State).

Eric Adeyemi WR 6-0 156 FL
Adeyemi is a fast receiver who should eventually help the offense with his 4.4 speed. He will probably take a redshirt in 2008. He chose the Cats over Iowa State and some small schools.

Gene McCaskill WR 6-0 170 SC
Another fast receiver, another likely redshirt. McCaskill chose the Cats over Penn State and NC State.

RECAP: From top to bottom, it's a pretty solid class for Kentucky. While there aren't any superstars that jump out at you, there are a lot of good players. If Boyd commits, the class certainly takes a jump for the better, but it's tough for any college freshman to compete from day one.

If Kentucky continues to recruit Florida and Texas for players that get overlooked while getting solid guys from their recruiting strongholds, they should maintain their competitive level of play in the future. Isn't it amazing what having a few scholarships to give away can do for a program? Its a good feeling, huh?

The Pau Gasol domino effect

2008-02-06T00:30:00.001-05:00

Who would have thought that Pau Gasol moving to the Lakers would have struck fear into so many teams in the mighty West? When the Lakers pretty much stole him away from the Grizzlies (assuming those draft picks are as late in the first round as expected) that the other four title contenders would see it as a reason to consider making a , in some cases, major move? Here is the breakdown:

Mavericks: The discussion of the trade for Jason Kidd started up a little before the Gasol deal went down, but it seems to have gathered steam in recent days. The final proposal I saw was that the three-team deal between the Mavs, Nets and Blazers would send Kidd to the Mavericks, Devin Harris to the Blazers, and Jerry Stackhouse, DeSagana Diop, Travis Outlaw, Channing Frye and Jarrett Jack to the Nets. Take away the fact that the Nets might instantly have the deepest roster in the league and basically the Mavericks net Kidd for Diop, Harris and Stackhouse.

This would be a disastrous trade for the Mavericks. Jason Kidd is not the same player he was three years ago. His body is breaking down and his jump shot is as inconsistent as ever. He thrives a running game, but his body, and the Mavericks personnel after the trade, does not lend them to this style of play. Sure Dirk and Josh Howard can get up the floor, but Eddie Jones, Devean George and, more and more, Jason Terry don’t have the physical abilities to thrive in that game. When you add in the fact that you would be losing your best inside defender (Diop), your spark off the bench (Stackhouse) and a young point guard who is finally playing up to his potential (Harris), you are left with a $20 million high-risk gamble. The window is not yet closing on this team and a trade for Kidd would most likely slam it shut at the end of the season.

Spurs: The Spurs signed Damon Stoudamire after he was released last week by the Grizzlies. While this might not seem like a major move on the surface, its…well, actually, its not. It’s about the opposite of major, in fact. It is, however, a savvy move by the Spurs. With Tony Parker beat up a little bit, Stoudamire can fill in for about 15 minutes a night and then offer some veteran consistency when the playoffs roll around. Stoudamire is no stranger to playing deep into the playoffs and the Spurs have done pretty well in the past with players who are supposedly washed up. Good move by the Spurs.

Hornets: The Hornets are the new kid on the block and they don’t look like they are going anywhere anytime soon. The question they have been forced to consider since January 25 is simple. Is it time for The Birdman to fly in New Orleans? That’s right kids, Chris Andersen is officially done with his two-year substance abuse suspension and is hoping to make a return to the Hornets. While he fits in to their style perfectly as a Tyson Chandler Lite, the question is what kind of wrench he might throw into their chemistry. My bet is that they bring him back and it’s only a matter of time before we get to see THIS again.

Suns: Out of all of the teams on this list, the Suns are the ones who potentially could be facing their last shot at a title. Steve Nash has to break down one of these days, Grant Hill is old (I really had to convince myself not to make an over the “Hill” reference), Shawn Marion wants out and the ownership has proven that they are not willing to pay the luxury tax. That’s what makes this potential move for Shaq so strange to me. There are two reasons why even considering this deal is mind-boggling to me. I’ll start with Mr. O’Neal.

Shaq is broken down. Big time. He’s still a decent post player if you want to grind the game to a halt and beat a team in the half-court. Sure doesn’t sound like the Suns, does it? Even if they wanted Shaq to fill in for only 20 minutes per game to switch up their style and rest Nash’s legs, it doesn’t make sense to get rid of Marion, they exact type of inside-outside slasher who thrives playing alongside O’Neal. You think he’s going to bring Boris Diaw to the next level? I didn’t think so either.

The second component of this deal that makes this so nuts to me is that their ownership is willing to take on a giant salary for a player who will play roughly half a season. If they are willing to dish out the big bucks, then why not give it to a guy like Marion who has proven he thrives in their offense and will be available for at least 5 years after Shaq is retired? And if money isn’t an issue, then why did they basically give away Rajon Rondo, who is Steve Nash without a jumper, on draft day? Why did they give up Kurt Thomas, a guy who gives you basically the exact same game and stats as Shaq, just to avoid the luxury tax? Why did they get rid of Joe Johnson to avoid having to pay him a maximum contract? Wouldn’t it be nice to have him around right now, even if it was only as a bargaining chip?

What it all comes down to is that, depending on what these teams do in the next two weeks, we could see a permanent changing of the guard in the West. The Hornets are already primed to be around for a long time and the Spurs will always be a threat as long as Duncan-Ginobli-Parker are suiting up. The question is, are the Mavericks and Suns going to be around to contend, as well?

Kentucky students watch too much "24"

2008-02-06T00:29:00.000-05:00

University of Kentucky Student Government President Nick Phelps is apparently finally feeling the effects of too many Beezner elbows to the head in high school basketball practice. Phelps sent out an email on the Student Government listserve last month that has him in a little bit of hot water.

In his email, Phelp identified Barack Obama as a Muslim, which he isn't, and said:

"The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the U.S. from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the United States, one of their own!"

Hmm...I wonder if one of his platforms when he was campaiging was to perpetuate the stereotype of racism in Kentucky. If so, then it looks like the redneck racists infiltrated the highest level of public university student government with one of their own!

Dumbass.

Sorry for partying

2008-02-05T10:30:00.001-05:00

Meet Tina Williams. She has her priorities straight and she likes to party. Tina was scooped up in St. Augustine Sunday following the Super Bowl for a DUI. No big deal, right? Well, when you factor in that she had her little girl riding in the back seat without a seat belt and a 12-pack of Busch Light strapped in, riding shotgun, then you've got a problem.

A problem with being too awesome, that is. Don't worry Tina. The Man might be trying to hold you down, but Get Beeznered only wants to salute you. Well done.

The worst music video of all-time

2008-02-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

Look, I was a little harsh to Heidi Montag a few weeks ago, harping on how she makes me feel like a pedophile because of her striking resemblence to a 12 year-old boy. Well, Heidi redeemed herself in her music video by showing how sweet her jugs are for about 4 straight minutes.

Unfortunately, that's about where the goodness stops. This is absolutely the worst thing to be filmed in the history of the planet. If anyone expected this to be halfway decent, it would be a more disasterous, less watchable version of the Paris Hilton sex tape.

The good news for Heidi is that by making such an awkward, unwatchable video, you almost dont realize how pathetic the actual song is. It sounds like her voice is digitally created (and not very well) and she just repeats the unintelligable chorus over and over and over and over until you want to punch a hole through your computer. Remember, if you are about to watch this, just focus on the jugs. It's the only way you will make it through.

Now that you've made it through that and found the true value of this truck stop hooker dance anthem, take a second to listen to this young man before you start doing what you're about to do. Just know that this has language that you wouldn's use in front of your mother.

Super Tuesday is here

2008-02-05T09:42:00.000-05:00

This is one of the most exciting days in American politics as people head to the polls in 24 states in a pair of wide-open races. Since I know you're casting your vote in the direction that your leader, Beezner, directs you, I'm here. I understand that I have the same influence over horny, alcoholic, University of Kentucky fans that Oprah has over sweatpants-clad housewives and I take this responsibility very seriously.

Vote Obama. Do the right thing. Where the man stands on the important issues (straight from CNN):

Education: Would reform No Child Left Behind, ensuring access to high-quality early childhood education programs and child care opportunities, recruit well-qualified and reward expert, accomplished teachers. Make science and math education a national priority. Reduce the high school dropout rate and empower parents to raise healthy and successful children by taking a greater role in their child's education at home and at school.

Healthcare: Would create a national health insurance program for individuals who do not have employer-provided health care and who do not qualify for other existing federal programs. Allows individuals to choose between the new public insurance program or from among private insurance plans that meet certain coverage standards. Requires employers who do not provide health coverage for employees to pay into the national health insurance program. Does not mandate individual coverage for all Americans, but requires coverage for all children. Allows individuals below age 25 to be covered through their parents' plans. Cost estimated between $50 billion and $65 billion, to be paid for by eliminating Bush tax cuts for those earning over $250,000.

Iraq: Opposed use of military force in Iraq. Voted for war spending bill that would have withdrawn most U.S. troops by March 2008. Supports phased redeployment of U.S. troops. Opposed Bush's plan to send additional troops to Iraq. Had once called for troop withdrawal to begin by the end of 2006.

Taxes: Opposed extending 2003 Bush tax cut law through 2010. Supports eliminating marriage penalty and extending child tax credit. Supports scaling back capital gains and dividends tax cuts and re-examining tax benefits for the top one percent of earners

Energy: Proposes reducing carbon emissions by 80 percent by 2050 by using a market-based cap-and-trade system. Would invest $150 billion over 10 years in clean energy. Supports next generation biofuels. Proposes increasing fuel economy standards and would require that 25 percent of electricity consumed in the U.S. is derived from clean, sustainable energy sources by 2025. Would create a Global Energy Forum and re-engage with the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change

Economic Stimulus: Would pump $75 billion into the economy via tax cuts and direct spending targeted to working families, seniors, homeowners and the unemployed. The plan also includes $45 billion in reserves that can be injected into the economy quickly in the future if the economy continues to deteriorate. Would provide an immediate $250 tax cut for workers and their families and an immediate, temporary $250 bonus to seniors in their Social Security checks. Would provide an additional $250 tax cut to workers and an additional $250 to seniors if the economy continues to worsen. Would extend and expand unemployment insurance.

The General steps down

2008-02-05T09:02:00.000-05:00

The second-greatest living basketball coach and one of the greatest entertainers of our time surprisingly stepped down as head coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders yesterday. I was shocked at first to find that Knight had resigned and worried that he might have a serious health issue. He never struck me as the kind of guy who would just quit in the middle of the season.

The more I thought about it, though, it's typical Bob Knight. The last thing he wants to do is go through some lame farewell tour where teams that he's spent just a tiny portion of his career matching up with give hime stupid stuff like chairs and watches and picture frames. That's not Bob Knight.

So, cheers to you old man. Enjoy the down time. You'll probably get bored with killing animals after awhile and want to come back in some fashion, but at least you know you won't lose to Purde ever again.

Super Bowl Commercials

2008-02-04T09:45:00.000-05:00

I had to head in early to work today so I didnt quite finish the Super Bowl recap...so suck it. You will just have to wait.

In the meantime, enjoy what might be the most racist Super Bowl commercial ever.

Sup Holmes?

2008-02-04T09:21:00.000-05:00

The University of Kentucky's own J.B. "Don't Call me Johnny Wad" Holmes won his second FBR Open in Phoenix yesterday after defeating "Man Boobs" Mickelson in a playoff. It's always good to see a Cat succeed, but if you watched this finish up instead of the start of the Super Bowl, don't ever come back to this blog.

It isn't just UK that whiffs on big men

2008-02-01T00:08:00.000-05:00

I have to admit. I'm kinda starting to become a Kansas State fan. I don't know what it is, but I'm falling in love with Michael Beasley one game at a time. Obviously, his game is flat-out nasty, but it's just the way he plays that keeps me locked in every game.

Watching the Wildcats this year, though, has made me wonder what ever happened to Jason Bennett (above), the 7'3" highly touted player that made an immediate impact on the defensive end of the floor his freshman year at Kansas State. After leaving Arlington Country Day in Jacksonville (AJ Stewart anyone?) as a 5-star player and the number 6 center in the country, Bennett was poised for stardom. He averaged nearly a triple double in high school and those stats were expected to translate well at the next level.

In only his eighth college game, he set the school record for blocks in a game. But then something happened. He apparently had no offensive game and a bad attitude. So, his playing time slipped and after the season he transferred to Tallahasse Community College, where he is dominating.

Or not.

Bennett so far this season is posting 6.4 ppg and 5.5 rpg while shooting 47%, a number that makes big man coaches throw up a little in their mouth. Of course, Bennett is playing against the traditional powers of Okaloosa-Walton College and Gulf Coast Community College.

Bennett is expected to be a Kentucky recruiting target if they decide Jared Carter needs to pick on someone his own size - and talent level - in practice next season.

A big win for Tubby

2008-01-31T23:16:00.000-05:00

Say what you want about Tubby Smith, but 400 wins is one heck of an accomplishment. A great mark for a great man. Congrats, Tubby.

This is why you suck...still

2008-01-31T22:38:00.000-05:00

If you tuned into the Duke-NC State game tonight, you might have noticed that the nerd factor was at an all-time high, something quite impressive for the pocket protector and face paint crowd that usually fills Cameron Indoor Stadium.

Duke University is really pushing the green movement hard and figured that encouraging the students to wear green shirts reading "Bleed Blue, Live Green" was the best way to do it. Now, I'm not going to knock the "Focus the Nation" movement because God's University is also participating, but was it necessary for Duke butt-boy Mike Patrick to beat you down with it the entire telecast?

I think this beating is what you deserve if you opted to watch this instead of Lost or the Mavericks and Celtics game, but I think this angry text message from my UK buddy sums it up the best:

"Bleed Blue, Live Green is what their shirts say. I hope they die. Go make your political statement somewhere else dickhead and give me back my sporting events. You dont even know what live green means, its just some douchey slogan you picked up. I hope you wreck daddy's SUV after the game and burn alive."

Well said.

The Pillsbury Throwboy Speaks

2008-01-31T12:36:00.000-05:00

The New York Giants only hope for Super Bowl glory shares his story. I'm just glad he's a better quarterback than he is a storyteller.

Good things come to those who wait...

2008-01-31T08:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight. 8 pm. 2 hours. Don't miss it.

Dwight Perry's Sideline Celebration: Breaking It Down

2008-01-30T08:47:00.000-05:00

Look at the picture above. It's a scene that is finally becoming more prevalent at Rupp Arena with the Cats starting to build a little momentum. The key to all of this madness though, is the man in the front of the group, partially obscured by the referee's arm. This man is Dwight Perry and he's ready to cheer his balls off for his team.

Perry's celebrations are truly a sight to behold. They maintain the same form every time and display a passion not seen since Tiananmen Square. So, you must be wondering how you can duplicate this in your living room the next time Ramel Bradley hits a cluth three or when Perry Stevenson slams one home. Let me break it down to you step-by-step:

1. Get your uniform ready - Dwight Perry is like a military man when it comes to his uniformity and you should be to. First, make sure that baby is spotless. No sweat stains will be allowed in Dwight Perry's Cheering Army. The key to your visual presentation is to make sure you are outfitted like the rest of the team with the jersey, shorts and shoes, but you must never - I repeat, NEVER - take off that shooting shirt. Combining that shooting shirt with the rest of the uniform says "Hey, I'm here to play if they need me. But, I'm really just hear to scream like a 14 year-old girl who just got asked to prom after every big play." You will also need a towel, but we won't worry about that until later.

2. Location - If you want to be a soldier in Dwight Perry's Cheering Army, make sure you use location to your advantage. Being planted at the end of the bench (or sofa in your case) completely eliminates you from being a meaningful cheerleader. If you are presented with an even number of players in your line, it's not important to struggle with the math, just guesstimate and stand in the middle.

You see, this is just your location A. This is your permanent point of entrenchment. This sets up so many things for you, the first of which being getting to point B. This will be your cheering location during your camera time. For Dwight it's the sideline. As close to that line as you can get without having someone guard you (which might be debatable for Dwight anyway). For those of you trying this at home, 6-12 inches in front of your fellow Cats fans will do. Now, this is where things get good.

3. Form - To get proper Dwight Perry form, the first step is to place your feet slightly wider than shoulder-length apart. Now that you're feeling good and loose, just slightly bend your knees and throw both arms out to your side, parallel to the ground. Just pretend you're a helicopter. Now, this the most important part.

Without moving your feet or bending your knees more than they already are, rock your body back and forth and side to side with both arms out. This gives the appearance that you are keeping your teammates from rushing the floor and drawing one of those unfortunate 15 yard personal foul penalties. Now, make sure your mouth is more open than Forrest Gump could ever imagine and your eyes are so big that it makes the fans at home think Pamela Anderson is on the other side of the court bouncing her bare jugs up and down.

From here, it's all in the hips. Just rock back and forth, keeping your arms out, slowly building to a faster pace as the play develops. Now, you're ready to climax and there is only one thing left to do. Finish it off, baby.

4. The Finishing Move - It's pretty simple. You take that towel and smack that thing into the ground like you're riding Barbaro toward the finish line at the Kentucky Derby. Beat the hell out of the floor. It doesn't matter if you use your left hand or right hand, just make sure you go across your body and make sure you make it count. The finisher is all they remember.

Next week, we will analyze how to perfectly replicate Perry Stevenson's clinched-fist, teeth-gnashing stare down he utilizes at least 4 times a game after being whistled for a foul.

Maybe Charles Barkley was right

2008-01-30T08:30:00.000-05:00

There was an interesting article on the Washington Huskies 2000 Rose Bowl team in the Seattle Times exposing the criminal activities and extensive cover-up that went into keeping their players eligible. It's paints an extremely disturbing picture of college athletics, but it is one hell of a read.

If you don't have time to read the entire thing, definitely read Chapter One about Buccaneers tight end Jerramy Stevens, pictured above. It will make your stomach turn.

Super Bowl Media Day

2008-01-30T00:23:00.000-05:00

The NFL gave the media full access to the players today in what is usually the strangest and most irritating day of the entire sports calendar.

You will see no coverage of this on this blog. I think what we have going here is too great to cheapen it with lame gimmicks and unfunny bits used to irritate the players. If you want this information, feel free to check out other sports blogs. You shouldn't have any trouble locating them as the will all have the name of an early 90s sports figure or catchy verb in the title. We are better than that, sweet Get Beeznered readers.

The only exception to this rule is if someone can show me where Osi Umenyiora was asked about his affinity for pulling a Hot Carl. That obviously receives an exemption.

Van Halen Update

2008-01-30T00:04:00.000-05:00

Back in August, I ripped on Van Halen a little bit. I even compared them to taking a huge dump (another poop reference for those of you keeping track at home). I'm not backing down from my statements about the band, but I would definitely be way more interested if the tour consisted of only this.

Its a track of David Lee Roth singing "Runnin' With the Devil" with all of the music removed. It is sure to give you a few Wednesday chuckles.

Everyone Poops

2008-01-29T13:17:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentleman, this is the type of thing that the internet was created for.

The website WorkPoop.com allows you to calculate exactly how much money you will make this year while your cheeks are planted on the porcelain bowl. I highly suggest you check it out because my work morale was never higher than the moment I realized that I fleece my employer out of roughly $3777.28 annually.

Reaching a number like this is not just a stroke of luck, folks. It's a strategy developed over a number of years, which minimizes my effort and capitalizes on fecal efficiency. You see, the first priority in being a number one pooper is location, location, location. It allows you you the maximum comfort thus allowing you to spend more company time dropping off the kids.

For example, my floor has a bathroom with four stalls. For the purpose of this demonstration, I will refer to them as A-D, with A being the closest to the door.

I don't use D under an circumstances. I don't even know what it's like in there. The door is extra wide and I think I've heard a sink in there, but it's still not enough to entice me to use it. Not only is it a handicap stall, but it's also farthest from the door, meaning that if it's open, it's most people's first choice. Too many ass cheeks in that stall for me.

Stall A is just as questionable. This is the "Disaster Area". Picture a guy running down the hall, lips pursed, hand on his ass trying to hold it in, racing into the stall. Where do you think he goes? Exactly. Stall A. This stall might not get the most use, but it takes the worst beating. You want nothing to do with it.

This leaves B and C. At this point, you've eliminated the two stalls to avoid at all costs, so it's not all bad. But, where do you go from here? Go with B. This isn't a toast to the second stall as much as it's the lesser of two evils. You have to figure that C is still losing to B in the "Farthest from the entrance" theory, but when you factor in that if C and D are open some might choose C because they're saving D for a handicapped person, then you have a clear cut winner.

Always poop in the second stall.

Now that we've got that out of the way, feel free to enjoy the glossary over at WorkPoop. It's pretty solid. And if you don't get the full appreciation of the awesomeness that the Upper Decker provides, enjoy this audio from BaD Radio in Dallas - the same guys who brought you 1920's Reporter Guy.

Online dating with a former MLB All-Star

2008-01-29T09:22:00.000-05:00

Remember Brady Anderson? He was the outfielder who came from nowhere in 1996 and hit 50 home runs when no one else was doing it - and even though he would never hit more than 24 in any other season.

Well, after playing a few more seasons with the Orioles and Indians, Anderson bowed out of the game in 2003. Although the date is uncertain, it was sometime after 2003 when Anderson started relying on online dating sites to meet women. Keep in mind that this guy has a child with a Playboy model, was named one of the sexiest male athletes of all-time and is unbelievably rich.

That should make the following even more pathetic. Enjoy this video:

No word on whether or not the young lady woke up the next morning with a bad case of Indians Fever.

Where in the world is...

2008-01-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

Rekalin Sims?

As we all very well know, former UK forward Rekalin Sims was kicked off of the Fresno State basketball team earlier this season after being charged with robbery. Sims was accused of driving 3 men who assaulted and robbed a disabled man. What a sweet guy. This brought to an end a legendary Bulldog career that saw him log exactly zero minutes of playing time.

As for what Sims is up to now, it looks like he's driving around a car with big rims and reppin' his hood at all times. Maybe I'm just getting old, but what exactly is "Northen" California?

Wake Forest wants to be taken seriously as a football program...

2008-01-29T08:30:00.000-05:00

...and they are willing to take on the BCS-type of scandals major programs deal with in order to do so.

These stories have already been beaten like a dead horse on the blog circuit, but what kind of human being would I be and what kind of leader would I be to you if I didn't at least mention them?

First, let me say this. Hey meatgazer! Yeah, you. Pay attention to the words. I'll get to the male nudity in a moment. Sorry, that guy behind you was eye-banging Riley Skinner.

Well, since we are on the subject of Skinner, let's just get to it. Apparently, Skinner took a page out of the book of every degenerate sexual predator on Myspace and decided to take a picture of how sweet his abs are and send them out to chicks. Unfortunately for Skinner, he forgot not to burn these bridges and the pics covered a little bit more than his abs. And I do mean a little bit.

The other douche pictured above is a little less important to the program, but has a much better story. Luke Caparelli is, I mean was, a redshirt running back on the Demon Deacons squad. That was, of course, before he posted on his Facebook page that he was going to blow up the school and that the survivors of the blast would have to deal with an uzi that would be “locked and loaded in his bag.”

Maybe that devil in their logo is more powerful than we all originally thought.

USF Basketball + Hot Dogs = Not So Great

2008-01-28T23:22:00.000-05:00

Take a former UK assistant basketball coach, a heated Wildcat rival and all the hot dogs you can eat, and you have a recipe for an awesome night, right? Well...not so much.

I experienced my first South Florida basketball game last week when Louisville came strolling into Tampa and I headed to the Sun Dome expecting greatness. I was able to pick up a ticket in row 12 for $20 bucks and it came with the the added benefit of all-you-can-eat hot dogs, popcorn, pretzels and soda. Mix that in with a "You can't spell Pitino without NIT" sign and an early exit from work and there was nothing to expect but a top 5 night of all-time. Boy was I wrong.

The first sign of disaster came when I realized that the Sun Dome was nothing more than a large high school gym. I'm pretty sure I would have had an easier time sneaking into a movie theatre than the USF game. There were two entrances, which both consisted of one person taking tickets. Rupp Arena, this was not.

Once inside, I realized that this high school gym was only about half-full - and about seven minutes had already burned off of the clock. Even worse, the crowd was at least a third full with Louisville fans and there was basically no home court advantage for the Bulls whatsoever. The most pathetic part of the USF fan support had to be the student section, which was located on the lower level directly at midcourt. The free - I repeat, FREE - student tickets were enough to lure about 30 students to the game. Unbelievable. Keep in mind that USF has 44,000 students.

This, coupled with blowout taking place on the court, meant one thing. Hot dog eating contest. My roommate and I spelled out specific rules that would impress anyone at Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs. Only hot dogs counted toward the final tally and nothing but lemonade could be used to wash them down. This is where the night took a turn for the worst.

I started out strong and tried to bury my competition by taking a big lead. I also figured this was the best way to keep myself from realizing what a disgusting event I was taking part in. The good news is that the strategy worked and I cashed 10 hot dogs by the end of halftime. The bad news is that I cashed 10 hot dogs by the end of halftime.

Well, my roommate gave up. Unfortunately, I felt the need to down 2 more hot dogs to make it an even dozen. I'll let the story end there - but I promise you that the suffering lasted well into the next day.

So, what was the final verdict? This was the absolute worst night of my life. Louisville dominated the game. Reggie Hanson looked like he wanted to kill himself. There were no hot college girls at the game. I nearly pulled a double dragon on at least two occasions. Despite eating $36 worth of hot dogs and $20 worth of lemonade, I came to one conclusion:

I hate USF and I hate hot dogs.

Bow to your leader

2008-01-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

Tony Delk and his sweet thighs turn 34 today. It seems like you ought to celebrate it a little bit.

In a somewhat related story, I got to meet Tony Delk in the Atlanta Hawks locker room a few years ago and he is the most ripped man on the planet. I have never seen a human being with such muscle definition.

I promise I will never post anything this gay ever again.

Baseball Technology that won't put you in front of Congress

2008-01-28T15:01:00.000-05:00

Mark Littell, a former pitcher for the Kansas City Royals and St. Louis Cardinals, has developed what might not be the best thing to happen the baseball, but it's certainly one of the most entertaining. Littell is introducing a revolutionary cup to baseball players for this season called the "Nutty Buddy".

This product has almost no value to me, but if it did it would definitely be in "Mongo Size". Whats up ladies? But, the marketing campaign is pretty entertaining as Littell is willing to put his money where his manhood is and take a fastball of his junk. Bonus points for Chris Sabo being in it as well.

What ESPN won't tell you about the Super Bowl

2008-01-28T13:45:00.000-05:00

If you are into having legitimate sources for your news stories, then this might not be for you. If, however, you are into hilarity and Hot Carls, you might be into this story. Najeh Davenport would be.

Anyway, it seems like Michael Strahan's supposed gay relationship isn't the only funny business going on with a Giants defensive lineman. According to some blog, which is probably made up, a chick name Claudi had a few interesting rendezvous with DE Osi Umenyiora. I'll let her explain:

***Warning: This contains language you would not use in front of your mother.

"Yep, he flew me to Atlanta with my kids for some event that he had with another player and wanted the same request. Then I spent some time with him nearby while a music video was being shot at his house!! He wanted me to have sex with him and one of his brothers at the same time. He also wanted me to try it with another one of his teammates that was staying there. I said no because I didn't want to be passed around like that. He did buy my jewelry. The diamond snow ball. Oh and all the me money. I did invite a friend to join us (My hot girl "L" that has done shoots with me) and he wanted to DEFECATE on her in his bathtub. My GOSH she let him do it but I wanted no part. I'm a freak, but my gosh.

The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing. He began flying me to Florida and Atlanta last summer paying my bills, giving me money for my kids as long as I let him well, "shit" on me. He was in Atlanta for a major taping for "work" he said at his house and that night he told me to defecate on him. Of course he said he was joking but i reallly wonder.

I may sound nasty too, but he was paying my bills and I was traveling to see him wherever he was. But this boy is a freak!! He did all this when he had a girl pregnant. I only knew about her because of a phone call that I overheard one night. My girls and I have stories for days.

Yes, Osi Umenyiora likes it nasty."

Tubby Smith Update

2008-01-25T18:18:00.000-05:00

Former Kentucky coach Tubby Smith spent Wednesday working at a Chipotle on the University of Minnesota's campus. Here is the story.

I'll let you make your own jokes about this.

Sigma Pi House condemned! Write your senator!

2008-01-25T09:29:00.000-05:00

Besides the fact that I am one of the greatest things to ever happen to the Sigma Pi Fraternity at the University of Kentucky, this is just a great article. Had this happened to a fraternity in Alaska, this still would have been worthy of a post on this blog.

Good work, fellas. Morons.

Maria Sharapova vs. Ana Ivanovic

2008-01-25T08:02:00.000-05:00

vs.

It isn't everyday that you're going to read a post on here encouraging you to watch tennis. But, anytime the two fine pieces of God's work like Maria Sharapova and Ana Ivanovic go head-to-head in a sweaty moanfest, then I'm all for it.

Tune in to the Australian Open Final tonight at 9:30.

Bigger than Wrestlemania...

2008-01-24T23:52:00.000-05:00

...well, not really.

One of the first posts I did on this blog was about how crazy the Ultimate Warrior has become since hanging up the tights and arm tassels. Well, it seems he still hasn't gotten the crazy under control and now he has some strong feelings about Heath Ledger and how great his death is for his kid. And, it seems that the above hug from Wrestlemania VI is far from his mind as he even offers up the suggestion for Hulk Hogan to do his kids a favor and kill himself. If you're into blind hate and rage, I suggest you check it out.

The shadow of Billy Gillispie continues to overpower mortal coaches

2008-01-24T13:28:00.001-05:00

The two men pictured above, Billy Clyde Gillispie and Acie Law IV, have left such a massive shadow in College Station, Texas that hot, up-and-coming coaches are being swallowed alive by them.

New Texas A&M coach Mark Turgeon is suffering to live up to the expectations that were left by a coach and player who made exactly one NCAA tournament in their time together - even though his team started out 15-1 and won the pre-season NIT. In a Monday press conference, after the Aggies had lost their second of three straight losses, Turgeon rambled on about how his team is lacking and that Acie Law carried them last year and made them look better than they actually were. Then, he channeled Napoleon Dynamite and offered up this gem:

"I got no chance this year. If we win, it's because of Gillispie. If we lose, it's because of Mark Turgeon. So I can't win. It’s a no flipping win situation...and that puts me in a bad mood."

I'd hate to see this guy coach at a school with any history. I'm putting the Mark Turgeon era at 2 and half years. Do you want the over or the under?

2007 College Football Blogger Awards

2008-01-24T09:03:00.000-05:00

I don't ask a whole lot out of you, precious Get Beeznered reader. It seems like I'm always the one giving in this relationship. I think it's about time you gave back to me.

The people who run Rocky Top Talk, Every Day Should Be Saturday, and MGOBoard are giving out the 2007 College Football Blogger Awards, which could have been better done in 2007 I think, and I'd appreciate it if you would nominate me for an award. If not, I will hunt you down probably kill you.

Having trouble remembering how sweet this site was during football season? Click on the tab to the right that says "College Football", dummy.

Senior Bowl

2008-01-23T13:33:00.000-05:00

The Senior Bowl. Know what that is, Kentucky fans? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. You see, Kentucky has sent 4 players in the past 10 years (Artose Pinner, Omar Smith, Craig Yeast, and Kio Sanford), which happens to be the exact number of players they are sending to this year's game.

The idea behind this game isn't so much to allow seniors to showcase their skills in a game situation against other NFL caliber players, which will happen Saturday, but rather to give them a week to work with NFL coaches and mingle with potential employers. It should be a good week, as long as the 49ers coaches don't screw them up. Here is what to expect from each of these players:

Andre Woodson - Most seem to believe that this is Woodson's opportunity to distance himself from Brian Brohm and Matt Ryan, who have both opted to sit this one out. Working in Woodson's favor is that he will be throwing a talented group of recievers led by Early Doucet, Andre Caldwell and even Louisville's Harry Douglas. The only question is how many game reps Woodson will get on a team with Colt Brennan and Erik Ainge - something that might be extra important considering NFL scouts will have a whole week to nitpick at the way he raises his elbow above his shoulder before throwing the ball.

Wesley Woodyard - Can Woodyard play linebacker in the NFL or is he going to need to move to safety? This is probably the biggest concern when it comes to projecting his NFL success but, unfortunately, this game might not offer any answers to that question. The week of instruction is probably more valuable to Woodyard than any other Cats player because of the interesting potential he presents. Woodyard might not end up being a successful linebacker or a safety at the next level. But, if a team drafts him and uses him in the right way, either as a rover or a part-time specialist, he could put together quite a career. But then again, plenty of undersized players have succeeded at linebacker by playing hard. And I'm not going to doubt Woodyard's heart.

Rafael Little - Little, if he remains healthy for once, should be the recipient of the second most carries for the South team on Saturday. Tashard Choice probably projects as a better pro and will get more touches, but the other "name" running back, Jacob Hester, is probably better off starting to coach his old high school and is probably here on name alone. Little needs to impress during the week in terms of his physical tests to show that he is strong enough to handle the NFL beating. He should have the opportunity to make a positive impact but, like his UK career, it will be up to him to not get shown up.

Jacob Tamme - Everyone knows what to expect out of Tamme. He's going to block when he's asked to. He's going to catch when it's thrown to him. After being such a major contributor for 4 years, Tamme is pretty much a known commodity to NFL scouts. It certainly wouldn't hurt his case to showcase the "measurables" that he possesses that aren't often expected out of tight ends. Probably isn't going to do much in the game.

Dana Jacobson likes to party

2008-01-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

You might know Dana Jacobson as the annoying, horse-faced chick on the awful ESPN morning show, Cold Pizza. Jacobson has somehow gotten some credibility as being hot since she is one of the least mannish women on ESPN. I beg to differ.

But, that has nothing to do with this really. A handful of people who were lucky enough to attend a roast of Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg (why are they being roasted anyway?) now know Jacobson as a vodka swigging, Jesus-hating lunatic.

Apparently she pounded the vodka like it was going out of style and even took the bottle on stage when it was her turn to speak. In between pulls off of the bottle, Jacobson offered up this gem to Golic, a Notre Dame alum"

"F*%k Notre Dame. F*%k Touchdown Jesus. F*%k Jesus."

And I still can't get a half-way respectable job in journalism. I was at least twice that offensive in the "Meet the Volunteers" post yesterday.

Happy Birthday Kelly Kapowski

2008-01-23T07:31:00.000-05:00

No one else made high school look quite the way you did.

Needed it!

2008-01-22T23:16:00.000-05:00

What a fulfilling victory. This game meant so much more than the Vanderbilt game and it was the first time that Kentucky is able to walk off the court knowing that they played their best game for 40 minutes.

It was the perfect game. Perry Stevenson rebounded, scored and - most importantly - got the ball to Patrick Patterson. Ramel Bradley attacked the basket, but did it under control. Derrick Jasper and the rest of the guards responded calmly in the face of Tennessee's pressure. So, in the middle of all of this, what is the best thing that a Kentucky fan can take away from this game.

An identity! Finally, after 16 freaking games, Billy Gillispie's team has found it's identity as a hard nosed, in-your-face defensive team. This mentality is what has allowed them to be competitive in the past three games, but an effort over the course of the entire game allowed them to make up for their offensive deficiencies. This was the first time all season that I thought that Kentucky had the mental toughness and right mindset to actually pull out a victory at the end. I'm not a big believer in the "turn the corner" moment but, if there was ever going to be one, you might have just witnessed it on ESPN.

But, unfortunately, even though there is a lot to be happy about right now, this is still an 8-9 team. The record is not indicative of the team on the floor at this moment, but it's what they have earned to this point. Still, this team looks like it is one that has the ability to put together a run in SEC play and, at the very least, develop into something strong heading into the conference tournament.

What a relief.

Meet the Tennessee Vols

2008-01-22T13:04:00.000-05:00

****WARNING: This is by far the most vulgar thing ever posted on this blog. If you are related to me, please do not read this. You will most certainly be disappointed.

The Tennessee Volunteers come marching into Lexington tonight to take on the Cats and they bring with them their womanizing, man boobed coach. It seems like Bruce Pearl has not only brought a new spirit to the program with his fast-paced offense and crazy suits, but he's brought something much more important.

I'm speaking, of course, of the oozing sexuality that Pearl has brought to the SEC, as evidenced by the above picture. It's only when you realize what his players names mean that you can truly appreciate the great potty-humor joke that Godfather Bruce has thrown in our face for the past few years.

***Note: All definitions pulled from UrbanDictionary.com

Wayne Chism - A chism is "one who takes pleasure in eating the hairy, sweaty, and stinky vagina of numerous overweight females".

Jordan Cannington - A Jordan is "a baby born out of the butthole".

Justin Jackson - A Jackson is "a shit...as you in you bout to drop one" or "slang term for anus, only to be used in conjunction with sex".

Steven Pearl - a pearl is "a clitoris" or "a bump on a cuban males genatalia srategically placed to come in contact with the clitoris during the act of intercourse".

Cameron Tatum - A cameron is "to uncontrollably defecate at the point of climax while performing intercourse with another person" and a tatum is "the chode, the wrinkly bo binkins connecting the anus and the scrote".

Tanner Wild - This name obviously offers tons of potential as it already sounds like a male porn star. Unfortunately for you, my brother's name is Tanner so I will not be copying the filth onto this page. Feel free to look it up here though.

Josh Tabb - To Josh is "having sexual intercourse with a melon,or any other large fruit item".

Duke Crews - There is a lot of dispute as to what a duke is. It is either"To take a steaming dump on a girl's face" or "an African American male piping your girlfriend/wife while you are at work" or "a woman wit a big ass". There is no dispute, however, as to the definition of crews. A crews is "a miniscule bump on the bottom of the scrotum that appears after several hours of intense masturbation".

Ryan Childress - I'm not sure what this means exactly, but a ryan is "a Penis Kid". Whatever.

So, what does this mean to you as a Cats fan? Probably not much. But, no matter what happens tonight, this list should at least provide you with a couple of opportunities to say "That's what she said". And isn't that what life is all about?

Cat's Cruise

2008-01-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

You want to see this guy in a bathing suit? Well, I can't guarantee it, but your chances will definitely improve if you sign up for the Cat's Cruise. I'm not sure why I'm posting this because I sure as hell am not not getting paid for it, but I think this is kind of cool...if you are about 65.

The Cat's Cruise is a Carnival cruise ship that will leave Tampa on July 5th and return July 10th after hitting Cozumel and the Cayman Islands. What makes this cruise different than others is that Keightley, Kyle Macy, Kenny Walker, Mike Pratt and Sean Woods will all be on board and be holding seminars, free throw contests and a "Pin the tail on Laettner" contest (I think Laettner might be into that sort of thing).

Anyway, here is the information if you are interested.

Make your vote heard!

2008-01-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

Are you finding it hard (no pun intended) to get pumped about the upcoming presidential election, but still want to flex your democratic muscle? Then head on over to this site and vote for Ms. Bikini World.

I'm not really sure what kind of governing body is in charge of putting on this contest, but based on last year's winner, Denise Milani (pictured above), it might just be the American Dairy Association.

Super Bowl Coverage....umm, no thanks

2008-01-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

It's a strange part of the year. It seems a lot is made about people finding themselves suffering through depression shortly after the holidays, but what about the strange off week between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl? I find this week to be the toughest because the reality of the season finally coming to an end starts to set in and it's impossible to watch any football coverage without getting beat down by the same redundant stories.

So, I'm boycotting football this week. You should do the same. That is, unless you are really looking forward to these stories, which will most likely be covered by every station for the next 13 days.

1) Peyton vs. Eli - So Peyton won a Super Bowl last year and Eli is playing for one this year? That sounds like a sweet story - until you realize that the NFL has been waiting to stuff this down your throat since that awkward draft day in 2004. If that isn't a tough enough pill to swallow, the networks will be trying to create the facade that their father, a guy with almost 50 more interceptions than touchdowns in his career, was some sort of NFL legend.

2) Patriots dynasty comparisons - Are they better than the Steelers of the 70s? What about the 49ers of the 80s? Cowboys of the 90s? Who cares? Pretty much no one, but don't tell anyone who works in TV. Their heads might explode.

3) Patriots Spying - The "Spygate" name alone should annoy the piss out of you. If hearing about it for the first four months of the season wasn't enough, you can expect it to be covered in full leading up to the game. Of course, nearly no one on the Patriots, especially Bill Belichik, will talk about it. But, who cares? That just gives guys like Shannon Sharpe and Emmitt Smith more air time to make up words and set the English language back 100 years.

4) Michael Strahan - The guy with the single-season sack record, kind of, might be playing in his last game. Each station and news outlet will probably write or film their own touching look back at his career, filled with goofy, gap-toothed laughs and jokes that really don't make sense - a Strahan specialty. A much better plan of attack would be to cover Strahan's nasty divorce and allegations from his ex-wife that he is gay. Now, that would be some good television.

5) Tom Coughlin vindicated - Heading into the season, Tom Coughlin was on the way out of New York after failing to capitalize on the talent he had on his team. Now a few months later, he is coaching in the Super Bowl. Expect to see current and former players talking about how his tough love has made them better men and better football players. These will be the same players that have complained about him since the day that he was hired. A painful companion to this story will be how important it was for Coughlin to play his starters in a "meaningless" Week 17 loss to the Patriots.

6) The "Class" of New England - Watch any football program and everyone praises New England's consistency as a dominant team this decade. Fair enough. Then, just like Duke basketball and their grade scandals that get overlooked, they will speak of how they do things "the right way" (which has yet to be defined) and that their players are class acts. You will see no mention in these pieces of Belichik's cheating, Brady's illegitimate child, or Randy Moss' domestic violence or Richard Seymour's cheap shots.

Basically, Super Bowl coverage is going to be a beating of epic proportions, as it is every year. The game might not be much better, but at least there is a possibility of some entertainment. If I were you, I'd just hope that Eli Manning slips and hurts himself this week so Jared Lorenzen sees some time because that would make for must-see TV.

Happy MLK Day

2008-01-21T15:24:00.000-05:00

I was pretty pumped about Martin Luther King Day because I was going to be able to post a clip from Coming to America. I was all set to throw up the clip of the barber talking about King punching him in the chest and knocking him down in Memphis in 1962. It turns out, there is actually a better clip to post. Prince Akeem's recap of last night's NFC Championship game:

This does not diminish Martin Luther, the King whatsoever. He was pretty sweet too.

NFL Playoffs

2008-01-18T18:40:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure why I think this video is so genius, but I can't watch it enough.

R.I.P. Dallas Cowboys.

****THIS CONTAINS LANGUAGE YOU WOULD NOT USE IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER (Kinda)

A momentous occasion

2008-01-18T09:16:00.000-05:00

The new issue of Maxim arrived yesterday with Heidi Montag on the cover. So, what is so special about that? It was the first time I've ever grabbed the magazine out of the mail pile and immediately said "Hmm...we got some Papa John's coupons".

I dont know what it is about this girl, but she makes me want to puke. Obviously, she is probably out of my league, but i feel so nauseous looking at pictures of her. Don't you get the feeling that you're looking at a 12 year-old boy dressed up in his grandmother's panties when you look at this picture? Guh.

Good luck having a solid Friday after that.

The modern day Jeff Spicoli

2008-01-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

I know this video is all over the internet, but it's just too great to not be posted here, as well. Enjoy.

UK Basketball Analysis (Part 2)

2008-01-16T23:28:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I posted this about my growing beef with Billy Clyde Gillispie and the product that he was throwing out on the floor everyday. Since I posted that, the Cats, according to most websites and fan blogs, have righted their ship by knocking off Vandy at home (isn't that supposed to happen?) and playing a close game with Mississippi State. I still find myself thoroughly disgusted with the Cats, but decided that it's only fair to evaluate them on the things that I had such a problem with in the first place. Here we go...

1. Guard play - This supposed strength of the team has improved drastically over the last month, with much of it having to do with the return (sometimes) of Derrick Jasper and Jodie Meeks. While neither has been able to stay healthy, having them for parts of game has allowed Michael Porter to spend more of his time fixated on the bench - where he belongs. I'll touch on Ramel and Joe later, but overall this position has seen a turn for the better. That is, except for the Krebs sighting Tuesday against Mississippi State. Let's try to not let that happen again.

2. Joe Crawford - Ahh, Joe. Where do I begin? It seems like Crawford's roller coaster career is in the climbing stage, with UK fans leaning back, hearts racing with every rickety jerk the roller coaster makes on it's way up. The problem? The sudden and huge drop has to come sometime right? I hope not. Crawford's offense has seemed to blossom out of the eyes-to-the-floor drive every time into an all-around repertoire. But that is not what has impressed me. Crawford's defense is off the charts right now. If he keeps it up, he will have become what everyone has hoped for years. But, until then, I'm still white-knuckling the rail, waiting to feel my stomach in my throat on the way down.

3. Basketball IQ - My biggest complaint last month was that we couldn't attack the zone correctly or set up an offense. It seems like the understanding of what needs to be executed has improved, but the offense still seems lost at times. I like the high-low with Perry Stevenson and Patrick Patterson (as long as Stevenson is NEVER the low man), but I'd like to see it used more often, even if it's to kick out for a jumper. My biggest problem right now is the forced shots and drives from Ramel (more on this later) and the inability at times to get Patterson the ball underneath. Granted, he's going up against double teams. But, good teams find a way.

4. Player substitutions - I will never in my life understand why Mark Coury gets so much playing time. I got a text during the game Tuesday that said "Every minute that Coury plays, a baby dies". I think that might be an understatement. I know we are short on talent inside, but I find it hard to believe that we don't have a scholarship player better than a slow-footed sophomore who was a walk-on last year. I do applaud Billy Clyde for pulling the plug on Porter. Now, if he could get him on the football field...

5. Ramel Bradley - Last time, I wrote

"Look, no one has been tougher on Bradley than me. But, unfortunately we've reached the point where he has to be the scorer that he's always longed to be. Bradley has filled the role well, but his shot selection is still somewhere between awful and Eddie House."

Well, Bradley has continued to light it up. In fact, he's now the first player since Jamal Mashburn to have 20 points in five straight games. Unfortunately, he's had 17 assists to 19 turnovers in those games and countless forced shots. I understand that he is the probably the best scoring option right now, but until he learns how to run the team, I can't acknowledge that he isn't part of the problem.

6. Leadership - I still see nothing in this department. It seems like everyone is saying that Joe Crawford and Ramel Bradley have risen to the occasion because they are finally playing hard and scoring the ball. My response? Scorers are rarely your leaders and aren't they always supposed to play hard? Leadership is the most important thing to a basketball team and the hardest thing to find. I don't think the Cats have found it in Crawford and Bradley, but hopefully their improved play will at least get other players fired up. Right now, I think Patrick Patterson has the best chance to be this team's leader (or maybe Jasper), but he has spent far too much time bickering with Crawford and Bradley going in and out of timeouts.

7. Billy Gillispie's Appearance - Ok, I'm almost embarrassed that I included this in here last time. The good news is that Billy Clyde no longer looks like the assistant coach from Hoosiers. The man has tightened up his ties and hasn't had the appearance of the town drunk in the past several games. Consider this beef resolved.

8. Identity - It seems like the Cats are finally settling in and have found their identity - as a tough, defensive-minded team. They will get their points where they can take them, whether on a break or in the half court, but they are going to make you earn yours by getting in your face. For a team that let every opponent for the first 10 games dictate the tempo, this should be the most refreshing thing for Kentucky fans. They've played physical enough to get that victory against Vanderbilt and nearly steal one from Mississippi State. If they keep up their intensity on this side of the ball, then they should beat teams with less talent - and maybe even steal one or two from teams they shouldn't beat.

Final Analysis: Mixed emotions. I feel like the best basketball is still ahead and that the team is improving every game, but it hurts me to think that this is what Kentucky basketball has become. For every moral victory or "glass is half-full" excuse there may be after a game, there is the painful realization that this team is simply not that great and might back into the NIT on name alone. I hope there is a big turnaround in the future, but for right now it seems like the early months of 2008 will be rough.

I wonder if this is the start of a new Louisville Slugger marketing campaign

2008-01-16T23:15:00.000-05:00

Ever heard anyone say "Don't mess with Texas"? You might want to take them seriously after hearing this story. Let me set it up for you before I explain the gruesome details.

So there is this guy. He has an 8 year old girl. He marries a woman who has an 18 year-old son. That's about where the Brady Bunch similarities end. Basically, the 18 year-old son sexually assaulted the little girl and was arrested. The father of the little girl (the boy's stepfather) told his wife (the boy's mother) to leave him and jail and not bail him out. She said ok.

Well, the mother bailed him out and the unsuspecting son called home and asked for a ride home. He got his stepfather. The stepfather politely obliged and picked up the pedophile - but he didn't think that a ride home was what the boy needed.

Instead, according to police, he "beat his stepson with a baseball bat and sodomized him with a metal tool". The stepfather did what every father in that situation must dream about doing, but he now finds himself in jail facing sexual assault charges as well.

Should be a fun Thanksgiving.

No wonder Larry Birkhead went to school at Louisville...

2008-01-15T18:06:00.001-05:00

Finally! More Pacman news!

2008-01-15T14:00:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought you were going to see Pacman Jones in a Titans uniform next year, this happens. And by "this", I mean he was in Atlanta. At a strip club. And punched a woman. A woman who is his lawyer.

So, basically, if you would have written everything Pacman has ever done in his life on little pieces of paper and shook them up in a hat, you probably would have a good chance at drawing this exact, odd situation. With my luck, I would have ended up with paralyzed bodybuilder, at a car auction with a punt return.

Party Foul!

2008-01-15T11:37:00.000-05:00

It's as big a part of college as Saturday tailgates, dorm rooms, fraternities and ramen noodles. It might even date itself back to prehistoric ages. I'm talking, of course, about drawing all over someone when they pass out after getting too drunk. It seems like a harmless prank that gets a good laugh and can teach an important lesson about enjoying liquor in moderation.

Not everyone, though, loves having a penis on their face as much as the guy pictured above. In fact, Scott Masse hates it. He hates it so much he....well, I'll let The Smoking Gun explain.

"He allegedly pulled a knife on three men he suspected of drawing a penis on his face after he passed out at a party. According to a Murfreesboro Police Department report, when Masse awoke at around 1 AM on January 6 (he had nodded off on a friend's couch) the men were laughing at him. It was then that Masse determined that "someone had drawn a picture of a male genitalia on his face with black marker while he was asleep," according to the report. In a bid to ascertain who put the penis on his face, Masse allegedly pulled out a pocket knife and warned that he would start cutting people unless the artist stepped forward. In a TSG interview, Masse denied pulling a knife, but confirmed that a penis had been drawn on his face and that it "took some scrubbing" to remove the image, which apparently was applied with a Sharpie-like marker. Masse added that he had succeeded in removing the drawing by the time police arrived and arrested him. Hence no embarrassing markings can be seen in his Rutherford County Sheriff's Office mug shot, which is above. Masse was released after about three hours in custody and is scheduled for a March 6 court hearing on the felony charges."

Why did they draw male genitals on this guy's face? He's obviously a huge pussy.

Trying to break away from the porn habit? Starting to go blind?

2008-01-15T11:23:00.000-05:00

Take a look at Jenna Jameson, who is "retiring" from porn, and you will never want to see a naked woman ever again. This retirement has both disappointed fans of "skeletal porn" and decreased premature blindness in college students at the same time.

First, Britney Spears. Now, Jenna Jameson. The "Celebrities that I used to want to bone but now I wouldn't touch because I'm actually out of their league" list has now hit two.

Jumbotron Improvs

2008-01-10T23:18:00.000-05:00

One of the most irritating things about attending a live sporting event is distractions that take place during timeouts or between innings aimed at entertaining fans during the break from action. These, however, also offer the opportunity for fans to walk away with a memory from the game. Two of the strongest memories I have from attending Rangers games as a kid we when my baseball team was featured on the Jumbotron at the Ballpark in Arlington and when an unsuspecting biker was featured on the Kiss Cam.

After Jose Canseco hit his third home run of yet another meaningless late July Rangers game, our baseball team was shown in the crowd doing the mindless mid-90's "We're not worthy" bow. It was pretty cool at the time. The other time was when the Kiss Cam focused on a pair of biker guys and they flipped the bird. It was priceless.

Neither of these, however compare to what happened when Stephanie Simpson was featured on the big screen during a timeout at the Memphis Grizzlies game recently. Enjoy:

College Football recap

2008-01-08T16:26:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to bore you with all of the sentimental crap from this season or bombard you with the same examples of how "wacky" this college football season was. Let's get serious. This blog exists for one reason. Beezner. Just like T.O., I love me some me so let's take a look at how did I do with my predictions and projections. What does my first college football report card look like? Let's take a look.

Breakout Teams (August 17) - C

I did a damn good job with picking Illinois. I give myself a strong A+ for that one. Arizona? I'll take a C- after they limped to a 5-7 record but scored an upset against #2 Oregon on national TV. Oklahoma State? I think a C is fair for losing 6 games, but still scoring a bowl victory. The Miami and Florida State pick? Uh, yeah. Give me an F on that one. I'm really riding that Illinois pick into an overall C.

Pre-Season Rankings (August 14) - A

I'm patting myself on the back with this one right here. LSU sits right there at number 1. The next two teams on my list were the two teams that came out of the BCS looking the strongest - USC and West Virginia. After that? Nothing to stick your nose up to. Michigan, Texas and Florida (my 4-6) might be a little high, but they all looked strong at the end of the season. The other teams (VaTech, Oklahoma and Ohio State) got buried in their bowl games, but they were BCS bowls. I'm giving myself some love (the kind that won't make you go blind) in this category.

Heisman Trophy (June 12) - C

Ok, so I didn't have the eventual winner, Tim Tebow, in my top 8. Did anyone, really? My top two (Darren McFadden and Colt Brennan) were finalists for the award. Two others, Andre Woodson and Brian Brohm, were considered favorites - or at the very worst, finalists - at various points in the season. The rest? Uh, not so much. Ok, this was pretty weak. I'll take a C.

Prognostication (All season long baby) - A

I did a damn good job. Check out that record to the right. Then factor in that I only picked the "big" games every week and that in almost every single contest the winner was a toss-up. Take that and then take into account how "wacky" this college football season was. Beezner comes up smelling like roses.

Conclusion

So, when it comes down to it, I finished up with a GPA of 3.0 - a number I would have killed for in college. Like a fine wine, I've gotten better with age. I can't wait for next season.

Child Molestor Humor

2008-01-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm probably going to hell for this, but here we go...

Meet Frederick Fretz. Fretz is a convicted child molester who kidnapped an 11 year-old boy and sexually assaulted him. That's not the funny part, so stop laughing. After being sentenced to 20 years in prison, Fretz was placed in a California jail.

Fretz died in prison on December 19th by....drum roll please....choking on a hot dog.

I'm guessing he's happier about the way he went out than Hugh Hefner will be when he dies in the middle of a blonde, silicone orgy.

BCS National Championship game...

2008-01-07T21:52:00.000-05:00

Listen, I hate Bill Simmons. I think he's a hack and doesn't really do much other than write stupid, often unfunny, stories about his buddies. But, I have to admit that I think he's on to something with the diary-style entries he writes about the NBA Draft and other major events. It's like the all-time give up. So lazy, but so efficient - which is something that I can definitely get behind. Here's my account of the BCS game.

8:30 Just got my first text message from my OSU friend. It says "HAHAHAHAHAHA OH-IO". This is probably the least obnoxious and most grammatically correct message I will get from said friend all night.

8:37 Just got home from work and I saw Beanie Wells already has a touchdown. I'm having deja vu. It seems like last year when I got home, Ted Ginn had just housed a kickoff. Dammit. The blowout is going to start anytime now and I was at work during the most competitive part of the game.

8:52 Ohio State is now up 10-0. Trying to figure out when the blowout will start and why they don't make all pizza in BBQ Chicken flavor.

9:05 I just had my first phone conversation where Les Miles was referred to as a racist. I can't deny that I think he's an idiot for playing Flynn and Hester over Ryan Perrilloux and Kieland Williams, but I'm pretty sure he's not in the KKK. Too dumb - even for them.

9:08 First "Ironhead" Heyward reference. The first time I got to say "But Ironhead, what's with that thingy?". I hope his son starts making big plays. That line can never be overused.

9:12 Already tired of the Scooby Doo commercials where they catch the cable guy. At this point, I'm officially going to have cable for the rest of my life.

9:24 LSU just blocked the field goal and I texted my OSU friend to ask him if that is a good thing. He replied "Still tied. u sit to pee".

9:40 So UK quarterback Mike Hartline's brother Brian is a wide receiver at OSU? Are you telling me that Mike is on scholarship at an SEC school and the best receiver he will ever throw to in his career was in his backyard? That sucks.

HALFTIME Well the route appears to be on. And so is the half-time show. Slightly less impressive than the Super Bowl halftime show, but the field goal contest was so blatantly stereotypical, it is way better than anything Prince could do. LSU is represented by a scrawny, backwoods bumpkin with a combover and a mustache. Ohio State is represented by a douche with too much gel in his hair and a jersey that is way too small. The douche won so easily, you would think they were fighting over a drunk, sorority girl.

Other half-time notes:

1. Is the Ohio State band really all that great? And what's the deal with dotting the "I"? Am I the first person to realize how stupid this is? It's almost like everyone just said "OK, your state pretty much blows in everything. We'll let you act like the band is sweet. That's not too threatening."

2. JaMarcus Russell just did the unthinkable. He embraced Bill Cosby with that sweater and then disrespected everything Cosby fights for by setting the English language back to plantation times with an interview that was half Waterboy and half Master P.

3. Trinity College with the big win on the Pontiac Game Changing play. Instead of replaying the highlights of the lateral, they should have just replayed the two geeks in the front chest-bumping after the victory announcement. Might not be game-changing, but it was pretty awesome.

10:20 Second half starts. Can we please see some Perrilloux, Grand Wizard Miles?

10:33 Ohio State runs into the kicker. I thought we were about to have a game for about, um....how long is the play clock?

10:34 Personal foul - Cameron Heyward. Thank God! "Personal foul? But Ironhead, what's with that thingy?"

10:37 Touchdown LSU. I'm about 10 minutes away from playing Madden the rest of the night. And I'm pissed. I picked 34-13 on my much-needed tie-breaker in my pick 'em league. Way too conservative.

10:39 Scooby Mother F%$*ing Doo! OSU buddy is officially not returning text messages.

10:43 Chris Myers just broke the news that LSU safety Craig Steltz is still in the locker room getting treatment and likely won't return. This is all done over a live shot of Steltz standing on the sideline.

10:52 Just as I was about to go to bed, the Buckeyes score on a 4th down. This officially revives my OSU buddy who sends me "What now u pussy objects in your mirror may seem closer than thex appear- were comin". Looks like my 8:30 assessment was correct.

11:05 They just said that Bo Pelini wants his players to stuff the middle. I just said "That's what she said" to myself and got a good laugh out of it. I'm really fading fast.

11:15 Boeckman just got jacked on a 4th and 7 and LSU recovers the fumble. I text my OSU buddy to let him know how much this sucks for him. I get no reply.

11:18 Roommate just got home from the strip club. He subtly offers up this gem as Fox continues to run promos: "F&*k American Idol".

11:21 Tipped pass, Cameron Heyward. "Tipped pass? But Ironhead, whats with that thingy?"

11:31 Interception, LSU. Now that the game is sealed, I'm going to bed. And now that Les Miles can now be called a National Champion, I hope I dont wake up.

Let me know if I missed anything.

Captain Obvious Presents...

2008-01-07T21:49:00.001-05:00

...a new study from the University of Michigan and San Diego State that links drinking games and higher blood alcohol levels. If you are shocked by this, then read the details here. And then go feed your 40 cats.

Commentators Gone Wild

2008-01-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure who the hell Brian Jones is, but he's found himself in a pretty interesting situation. First, watch the video above. I'll wait.

Ok, besides the obvious fact that he's trying to give Screamin' A. Smith a run for his money as for the loudest person on the planet, he's also from the same school of thought that says just be loud and it won't matter what you say. So, he's loud. No big deal?

Well you might have noticed that he (loudly) proclaimed that Oklahoma would massacre West Virginia. I can't fault him there. I write for a WVU site and in their pick 'em contest, I picked the Sooners. It was a lock. I thought. The problem for the human ebonics megaphone is that when Mountaineer fans peppered him with emails, he opted to not take the high road. Now, one of his responses has become public.

"Just like all you WV fans, running your mouth and talking trash. You didn’t win the Fiesta Bowl, Oklahoma lost it. If your team would play OU 10 times you would get BLASTED 8 out of 10. I stand by my statement, WVU is a 1 dimensional offense. RUN, RUN, RUN. With a lucky pass that turns into a touchdown, on a blown coverage and another one on a missed tackle. Your new hire sucks, your fans are deplorable, and your university will never be a big time contender for the NC. You and your dislusional [sic] fellow fans can email me all you like, I will never give the football program any respect at all. Seems like evryone [sic] is running out on your program, maybe you should do the same."

I'm always down for giving a man props for talking trash, but when you might lose your job, it takes on a different meaning. I wouldn't recommend that. But, when you're sitting next to Trev Alberts, who got canned by ESPN after pulling a no-call, no-show, I'm not sure if you can get much lower.

Unless he starts writing for this blog. I think his grammar might restrict him though.

Another reason America is going to hell in a handbag...

2008-01-06T23:56:00.000-05:00

Still not positive that your kids are going to inevitably end up on drugs one day? Still not certain that God is going to punish you for all the things you've done wrong by making your kids grow up to be pill-popping, stripper pole-grinding, rap lyric-reciting turds? I present to you the future of America:

What's hot in the streets...

2008-01-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

A university study (a phrase that might be overused itself) came out with a list of phrases that are considered to be way too 2007 to be said anymore. Here is the list.

In related news, I'm dedicating my year to bringing back the phrase so eloquently stated in the picture above. If you have anymore middle school sayings that you think should come back in '08, leave them in the comments.

American Gladiators returns!

2008-01-06T22:01:00.000-05:00

If you are a true American, you were tuned in to the two hours of awesome known as American Gladiators tonight as the program made its return to television after 12 years. The program was filled with the the same physical contests, sexual euphemisms and cheesy cliches that made it a hit when it originally aired, but there was something more to the program tonight.

There was a breakout star tonight, ladies and gentleman. No, it wasn't the toilet paper saleswoman who killed the initial buzz with her divorce talk and subsequent injury in the first event. It was the beast of a man pictured above.

I give you Wolf. Not only does Don "Wolf" Yates score points for being the only gladiator to actually physically resemble his name (although I think I have a crush on "Crush"), but he takes it to a whole new level by howling every time he gets some camera time. It's just plain awesome. I guarantee you that in about 2 months, this guy's pretty mug will replace Hulk Hogan (who really didn't do much) as the face of the show. And he will be on the Surreal Life in no more than 4 years.

So, be prepared America. Because, according to his bio, "This Wolf travels alone, seeking his prey and striking with the ferocity of a wild animal".

Meet Ken Kendrick

2008-01-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

No, folks, that isn't your local mortician, that is West Virginia University booster and Rich Rodriguez butt-boy Ken Kendrick. Maybe someone should give him an even larger pair of glasses so he can take a look at what exactly his role as a booster entails. You see, after WVU introduced interim coach Bill Stewart as the permanent replacement to Rodriguez, Kendrick had this to say:

"He is so overmatched it's not even funny. He's a nice guy and a father figure. But they had a wonderful architect and they hired the painter to build the next house. I want Bill Stewart to win and I want our program to be successful. But I feel bad for our future. I'm very concerned."

As much as I might agree with Kendrick's assessment that Stewart might not be the right man for the job and that his team's big Fiesta Bowl victory has more to do with a group of young men playing with emotion that they might never possess again, Kendrick has no business making this sort of statement. After all, his job is to write checks and keep his mouth shut. If he wanted to do the hiring then he should have applied for a job in the athletic department.

But, then again, Kendrick does have a lot of experience in owning, operating and playing for successful football teams. Oh wait, nevermind. The closest he's ever gotten to putting together a football team is as a partner in the Diamondbacks. But, wait. He does own a golf course. Maybe they play that full-contact football/golf at that course like they used to in the old Bud Light commercials. If so, then I bet his team is top-notch. He also built a state-of-the-art theatre in Phoenix. Maybe they show football there.

The bottom line is that people like Kendrick, who think that having a fat wallet gives them a reason to meddle in college athletics, are the reason that amateur sports are getting a black eye. I understand that college football is a giant business, but it's also a business that this idiot has no experience in - outside of writing checks for the video equipment. So, Mr. Kendrick, do the Mountaineer fans a favor and stick a fat wad of hundreds in your mouth. That is, if you can find the time to take it off of Rich Rodriguez' ass.

Music City Bowl

2008-01-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

By now, I think everything has pretty much been written about the Music City Bowl. Everything, that is, except how freaking lucky Kentucky was that they won the football game. I don't think I've ever seen a team play a game with such a lack of discipline and still go out with a win. That should tell you how bad Florida State is.

But, a win is a win right? You play to win the game? I think a coach said that somewhere along the line. Well, the Cats got their win and the senior class of Woodson, Woodyard, Johnson, Tamme, Little, that wide receiver who was supposed to be really good and the rest of the rode of into the sunset with their blue helmets held high.

So, no bashing and critiquing the Cats today. Instead, I'll just post a few pictures I took at the game, and at Saturday's practice, where I was one of about 8 fans watching. I found that pretty surprising. Enjoy.

***One side note: Last year's Music City Bowl featured excellent weather right in the mid-60s or so. This year, it was nuts cold. Be glad you didn't go, you half-ass fan.

State of the Blog Address

2008-01-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

First, let me say that the enjoyment I've gotten from blogging on this site the past few months has been amazing. I love getting on here and spitting a little hate, dropping a little love for the Cats or reading the comments that people leave me. It has been awesome, and was totally unexpected when I got it rolling.

With that being said, this blog has gone straight down the tubes in the past several weeks. While I initially attributed it to other opportunities like Rivals.com or the West Virginia website and placed blame on my inability to to access the blog from work anymore, the truth is that the problem was me. I got lazy. I started making excuses, rather than solutions. Slowly but surely, my evenings started consisting of video games and magazines and basketball and staying late at work and anything else I could do to take my mind away from my writer's block.

And then, it happened.

Get Beeznered died. Somewhere on December 20, 2007, Beezner ceased to exist. I don't know how to explain it. It definitely wasn't something I planned and wasn't something that I saw coming. It's almost like I feel like part of me has died as I write this.

Fear not loyal reader (both of you). I've never been a quitter. Luckily for you though, I have always been the guy who makes huge mistakes and then asks for a second chance. So here I am. I know I've begged you to come back more than Ike Turner, but I mean it this time.

Here's a toast to a big 2008.