So, what do you do when you can't play or sit on the bench?

That's the current situation for Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui who is facing surgery on anal fissures. Now, if you can move past the fact that his surgery involves the word "anal", then you can get to the true gold of the story. An anal fissure is a "crack or tear in the anus skin.". So, try not to puke when you think about the burning, bloody dooks that Matsui has been taking every day or the way he probably sheds a tear with every step he takes.

The problem most likely dates back to Matsui's rookie year when he was hazed by being forced into spending the night at Mike Piazza's place. The last thing that your anus wants is a night alone with that guy.